poooot x

; shatterd.

2006-05-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

Take A Minute Girl Come Sit Down
And Tell Us What's Been Happening
In Your Face I Can See The Pain
Don't You Try To Convince Us That You're Happy
We've Seen This All Before
But He's Taking Advantage Of Your Passion
Because We've Come Too Far
For You To Feel Alone
You Don't Let Him Walk Over Your Heart
I'm Telling You

dnte know what yu re thinking of. just know that thrs a part o me missin yu. crazy enough. im shatterd. i think yu ve hurt me enough. i thought we were past that stage. but im not sure anymore. another week yu know. it cld have been just a wk more. can yu imagine e joy it wld have brought? every month we counted. days first. then weeks. then months. and suddenly those months seemed too short. but now. aft al that. im thinking what significance is brought by waiting? why did we ever wait so long? nd wait. nd wait. we never stop waiting do we.

he gave a kiss. he gave a hug. he walkd me home. he drove me home. he walked in front. he walked beside. he cared. he cared. he loved me. he lost it. he cried. he fell silent. he let me go. he went slow.

chin -- charming. (:

sim -- i better see you at cine tmr!. ): < or elseeee. totally missing you!

lucimman -- hahhas. yes, so the only normal person in class. take care bro! see you nxt rciy!

iz -- woman you rock so much. thanks for your endless support. and encouragement. can totally count on you for that. i love you!

lin -- if i walkd a step closer. wld yu walk a step closer too?

; i want him back .

2006-03-26T06:56:00.000-08:00

im feeling irritated w yu right now. ): <

i uds my feelings. i realise i always dnte want to accept them. i hate it. i
hate it when you meet them. HATE. HATE.

let you go .

i want him back.

; dedication t egg .

2006-02-24T20:51:00.007-08:00

fucky. im feeling fuckd up. i WAS feeling fucked up.

yayy.
THANKS EGG. this guy s really oneoakind.
since amos to grandma to 1st time headin t a club to wisma-in at 10 pm to now. now when i was feelin like fuck. somehow he always finds a way t put me back to being happy. to being able t forget al the shit. (: (: (:
you re special. no matter how long its been. you always have that special thing in you. never ever fail t make my day. never. (:

; here we go agn .

2006-02-24T20:51:00.006-08:00

caught munich tdy at cine w rese. its like so omg LONG pls!. rwahs. and i was havin' this throbbin headache which really was killin' me. i was so frustrated. ): < and the show al bout violence. it really din help. not at al. yups. anwys saw this ring at heeren. i needa go back and get it! really nice. (:

steph s such a cutie man. she s been floodin' the conversation w LOADSA cute faces. omg pls. they re like super duper cute pls!. (: yay ness.! msg me on msn if you wanna see em!. (: <3 oh and i realised tdy aft meetin' steph that i haven drank for like omg super long pls! like the whole o this yr i only drank those shots at brewerkz. and yes. im tired o beer. they make me sick. i really cant stand it. unless im depressed. and. sad. then i dnte think il care any more bout the throwing up.

anwys. yes. i dnte know wtf im doing here. shld be down at alex's party. ): < rwahs. dnte think itd be happening thou. rwahs. though dad did say it was aiights. just dnte think id want t be back so early. i mean if i wanna go id wanna stay till late. so. anwys wtf. ): < jon's askin me t head down t his party at indo on sat too. but that night got night cycling. this sucks man. i really wanna see him pls!. like how long s it been alr. ): < rwahss. missesss!

MMANUEL__. says:yep.. go la. its good.
IMMANUEL__. says:rciy is going my girl..
IMMANUEL__. says:and then..
IMMANUEL__. says:ya la.. but my band mates are comin too...
IMMANUEL__. says:haha.
like wtf la tok!. rubbish know. yes going going. then suddenly band mates going too. rwahs. slap you la. hahhas. nonsense boy know you!. anwys, i haven really askd him bout that friendster testi he wrote me ages ago. but nevertheless this guy s just one you ll learn t love even if you dnte. (:

hoho. another great controversial disagreement w J agn. sigh. here we go agn.

; NUMB .

2006-02-24T20:51:00.005-08:00

went t the mr and mrs fong's wedding. (: grins. it was a pleasant one!. God blessss and may He fill you w loadsa little fongs!. (:

met leong tdy as well. damn cute pls!. gasps gasps. since long time back... faints. but awesome.... (: (: (:

i totally uds her true feelings bout you. it's not that she doesn't love you. she does. alot too in fact. but you re just not around anymore for her. you're there; but you re not there. boy, i miss you too. you ve been gone for quite some time. but man, the way i miss you, its just totally different from the way she misses you. you uds? you get what i mean? she was your girlfriend!, im just a friend. obviously she s the one who s being affected much more than me.! its just like you re only almost here. sure, you talk t her on e phone, webcam her. but things are just totally different, the feelings ll eventually change if her perception and priorities are totally differnt from you as well. dnte worry. maybe she s just not the one for you.

was thinking bout tattoos after reading J's blog. . i find that i get irritated bout things which are constantly mentioned over and over again. i cant stand hearing the same things over and over again. i find it really frustrating. like suddenly the subject's become an obsessiveness. like a hardcore thing. ew. and tattoos, in my opinion. certain ones re really nice t look at. but too many? an excessiveness in extreme emtions -- it becomes, UGLY.

i dnte really care for the word us anymore.

; NUMB .

2006-02-24T20:51:00.004-08:00

; its over, move on .

2006-02-24T20:51:00.003-08:00

im going to be ignorant of what happened through out the last week. both incidents. i feel the pain as well as the rest all do. but im not going to hover into it. all i can say is that no matter what, life goes on.

neither am i going to harp over what happened ytd btw us. thrs really nothing more to it. whats happened has happened. it was both unexpected for both of us. i really dnte know what to say or how to solve things. but yes, its happened. and we can just move on.

yes, plain ignorance as you can see; has been what im into these days. not cause i dnte care. i do. well as much fuck as everyone else does. but when its over there s really nothing much you can do bout it. you can't turn back time. you re not God. even God can't do that. but what He can do is to actually help situations. and i believe everything happens for a reason. so since its over, and life still goes on; then everyone else should be finding some other stuff to dwell upon and blahs. maybe thats what im doing. and indeed i do feel much better. yes, tears fell, they still do. but so what. nothing s ever gonn change back to what it should be; or could be perhaps. so i gotta accept it right? we all dnte got a choice. we can't escape. we can't surpress. cause the after effect s just worse.

oh but i won 2 tickets for west side story musical! (: fuckyyy! (: (: (:

and anyone to catch singapore sevens w me? (: call me! <3

oh yes. party news.
--> FOREPLAY @ mdm wong's! 110306. hot party!. (: w jim bean girls..
--> GATECRASH @ gothan penthse 130306.
--> APHRODISIAC @ indochine club st 180306.

; m square .

2006-02-24T20:51:00.002-08:00

don't just escape again. we aren't strangers. i hope you're staying now. for good. don't do it again. i'm not lost.

; i love him .

2006-02-24T20:51:00.001-08:00

lin came over tdy!. (: (: (: <3.>

so funn. he taught me econs. but he scoldd me cause i dnte know. ): <>

anwys, he taught my sister chinese. haha. so cute!. (: his chinese very good. nodsss.

we went t town wantin t catch a movie. crazy, al e movies al sold out. irritating.! ): <>

anwys, had a talk w baby tdy as well aft dinner. quite a sad talk. hugss. i hope yu cheer up dear. i love yu. <3.>

he sent me home today. (: yayy! i was damn happy. he hasnt been doing that for some time but he did it today. im really very happy. (: tight hugsss.

"i love yu, alan. yu'll always be my number one."

; we are all the same .

2006-02-24T20:51:00.000-08:00

i was talking to a friend quite recently, who appeared to have told me his actual inner self, yes the same friend who says women are devils that they re artificial..

and it got me thinking. that actually everyone's wearing a facade. who they truly are no one really knows. maybe they dnte even know themselves. all these stupid social expectations, parents expectations. they just totally restrict one from being who one really is. its all the barriers that perhaps place you in some sort of safe environment that makes damn sure you re not going to move anywhr else except the route supposedly already there for you, for everyone.

and then when you move out of there everyone starts criticising you. no matter what you do, whether or not you actually have a good explanation. even if you do, they will just make really sure that you don't. and then they will start looking at you with that different look, like you re some kind of bad influence that you become some societal outcast.

and i guess because everyone's seen that happening before, and fear so much that they would be seen in that same way, that their true nature has been really hidden. thus the facade. and no matter how strong anyone can be like, deep down, we all are vulnerable. all our hidden confessions, our hidden secrets, our hidden nature, our hidden personalities and self. we can't let it all out, we can't let it go.

we become such sympathetic people, reduced to being such pathetic creatures.

how each and everyone of us wishes to be set free from being locked up inside this trapped prison. how we try so hard to be ourselves only to be ostracised from the outside world that deep down yearns to be like us.

but then again, there's no escape from this nightmare reality. one step out and then you re shot down to pieces. no matter who you are, where you come from.

who's t know, who's t care, when we are all the same.

; ------ .

2006-01-28T06:17:00.003-08:00

happy 9th month.

won 19th position for x-country!. (: rlly happy. it just totally felt great knowing that i did my best and didn't give up. after what happened last year during ---- i realised that it was really important to fight for what you want. as long as you aim and work towards it and never give up, you ll ultimately reach your target. (: and it felt so good. i can finally say i'm proud o myself.

went t PS w lin t celebrate 9th month. (: i got a nice sunflower and a red cactus. (: hoho. finally cactus huh.. oh wells. im still stumpd at what t get him for like vday. sighss. got loadsa things t buy but real lil money. t thinkk that cny just passd. damn.

list o things i wanna buy:
1. ------
2. perhaps love soundtrack
3. paddle! (: (: (:
4. top frm shop at PS
5. -----

5 things, 5 EXPENSIVE things. ):

anwys, aft everything. i stil feel ------. like i dnte know what t do bout it at al. ): thought that everything wld be perfect today after winning. guess i was wrong. it s quite screwd now. i cant believe i ----- when we were talkin bout it. its just so. weird. i dnte know. im thinkin how thins won't change. its impossible. id want t end things. itd be so damn -----. id be devastated. i dnte know. im really ------. but he dusnt know. he wnte know. i mean he cant even tell how i truly feel over the phone. and then when i really feel like talkin w him, he s just nowhere t be found.

yu re always never arnd when i need yu most.

; birthdays .

2006-01-28T06:17:00.002-08:00

i don't want her to go. ): i don't want her to leave again. every year, there's always this period of time when i feel like there's going to be someone missing in my life. and there she is. going back again for a really long time. i'm already missing her. 12 more days. less than two weeks. this really sucks. ): she's already missed two birthdays of mine. and that sucks. ): my drunkard dance pardner. my crazy bitchmate. my cousin.

sigh. gonn be broke this month. 8, 14, 20. got one down for the 8th alr. think i know what t get for the 14th. but im rlly stuck for the 20th. oh.. this month s babies' birthday. alan and max and eric!. (: celebratin for max on th 14th, alan on the 20th and eric on the 22nd. (: yayy!. funn. ll have loadsa cakes t makan mann..

kayy. officially broke.

; dwi .

2006-01-28T06:17:00.001-08:00

this is specially for eu* my friend.

rmb sometime back when we were both naive and young and filled with dreams that we believed so deeply could come true? rmb the smiles that those dreams used to bring to us? yet rmb the fears that used to run through our souls as each day passes impending the shortening o the days we shared? rmb the tears as you left? rmb how we were both lost?

people change. look at yourself. im proud o you for achievin thus far. i really am. but its sad seeing you shine so bright in a different light. it feels like ife lost a friend. and now you look at us just as we look at you.

no longer do you uds.

; familiar strangers .

2006-01-28T06:17:00.000-08:00

i didnt miss yu ytd. nd im still not missin yu. i wonder if il miss yu tmr. or the day aft. or the whole o next week. im sittin dwn nd i hardly remember yur presence. then suddenly every few hours i receive an sms frm yu. and then those few hours stretch longer and longer. maybe im right. maybe we re both used t the absence of the other.

i had an awfully fun day ytd despite what happened between us. nd i felt so happy. today i had a fun day too. i went tannin in the morning nd then i cleared up my room feeling good. went for my reunion dinner. nd later i got my plans too. im not writin this t spite yu. im just merely statin how i truly feel. yur doin' al those stuff oer nd oer agn. sayin sorry oer nd oer agn. cheap talk. i dnte listen neither do i accept. rmb if yu want t end things. just say so. dnte play these games cause they hurt more.

i just CANT BE BOTHERED. i just DNTE WANT T HEAR. it goes in one nd out the other. yu. re just like al the rest. nd it plays oer nd oer agn. just when i thought yu were different.

but yu belong w the rest.

familiar strangers once more. nd soon the familiarity ll fade.

yu make me feel like i need a more mature person. yu make me feel that yu re selfish. inconsiderate. but if yu re not. show me. time doesnt wait for yu.

; dnte .

2006-01-27T02:05:00.000-08:00

sigh. i dnte like you. okay? i cant like you. okay? yes. i do recall what happened long time ago. but this is rather crazy. i dnte share the same kind of feelings as what you do. i only think you as a brother kind. you know. just the way you stood up for me when i was 11, and again when that bastard appeared, and when i was heartbroken. i totally owe you. nd i have t admit. its been awhile since we last talked. i wnte deny that it feels nice talkin w you again. but you know, to me its always been the same. the same kind of brotherly feelings... you know that im w lin now. you know that between us its so impossible. im going to take it that what you said was because you were high. drunk. yes. nd al that. cause i dnte love you. i dnte even like you in that way. im sorry.

we re al friends. we al know each other. we cant ruin this. dnte ruin it fer al o us. nd il be grateful. yes i ll.

smtimes silence is the best way out. deja vu dnte yu think lin? reminds me o what yu did.
but then agn, its e past.

we bury the past nd mourn in silence.

; wld yu be right 'ere waitin' ?

2006-01-19T00:25:00.000-08:00

I know I’ve been mistaken
But just give me a break
And see the changes that I’ve made
I’ve got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all
And throw them in my face

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
If you chose to walk away
I’d still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep you right here waiting

I hope you’re not intending
To be so condescending
It’s as much as I can take
And you’re so independent
You just refuse to bend
So I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
If you chose to walk away
I’d still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep you right here waiting

I’ve made a commitment
I’m willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you
Can’t you just forgive me
I don’t want to relive all the mistakes
I’ve made along the way

But I always find a way
To keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say
To keep you right here waiting
But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
We always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting

If I chose to walk away
Would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep me right here waiting

; screw e rain .

2006-01-08T01:22:00.000-08:00

melo is angry. she had an awful day. lin took day off today yet she couldn meet him. like what could be worse. ): < she HATES lin's boss. sucks like fuck. nd she hates the rain. ): < totally screwed up her house. no computer, no air con and no tv cause it all got screwed up. she hates electricians as well. stupid fools. take leave on sundays. ): < awful awful awful. hmphh. nd lin didn't come over because it was raining. she s really very sad. ): ): ): like super duper sad. cause she wnte see lin for a super long time. sighh. bet lin's like super duper not sad. hmphh. lin's evil. ): <

ahhs. kayy la. whatever la. pissed off today and ll be till tues. cause tomorrow got school. sucks like fuck. tomorrow long day. SIAN. anwys, my sch canteen is not bad. got roti prata. freshly made. yayy. kayy.

og night was great. e ogms rlly cheered fun loud loud. ahhahas. funn people. met lin aft e thinggy thou. alex came down too. hohoho. he shaved. and now his head s nice t touch. hohoho. (: (: hmmms. yea. some guy askd for my number. weirdly. i dnte even know hw he looks like la. ahhs. anwys, dnte need t know. got lin can alrdy!. yayy. (: but he s not coming over today! ): <

my cousin's com is super duperly nice t use. so fast lorhs. got web cam tooo. hahahas. (: printing is damn fast. hahahs nice right.

I'm about to lose control
I, I don't know why
Why you need some reasons to feel lost inside
You, you know that I'm alright
You know that I'm just the kind of girl that feels so hurt and smiles

I don't need excuses
Don't ask why
It's just a breakdown
It happen all the time
So you're outa my face
Don't even try
You wanna help me, just let me cry
Yeah, I love you all my life
But you don't even know a thing I feel inside
No, by the look in my eye
That I'm just fine but I might need you to hold me tight

if i asked yu t stop wld yu?
if i needed yu here wld yu?
if i just wanted t hear yu wld yu?
if i died wld yu?
be here for me. all the time.

; e past is real .

2006-01-07T01:15:00.000-08:00

we tried really hard to have things working the way we want it. one incident and everything smashes up. i haven cried so much for so long. whats the worse. to be humiliated by someone you really love most or to be humiliated in front of someone you really love most. what if its both? i tried the whole night to think of another way where things could stay the same. i woke up this morning and i cried all over again. i never thought such a fuck could happen but it did. and now that it did. everything's gone wrong. i didnt want to go back to who i was. i never wanted to. but yesterday i couldnt stop myself. why did yu bring me al the way up and crash me down. what happens if yu hurt someone yu love the most? what happens if yu can't face up to the person yu love? then what happens if yu let the person go without letting him know yu love him? and what happens when yu then see him with somone new and it was all yur fault. yes. i could change everything just by listening to yu yesterday night. but i didn't. because i couldn't. i can't look into yur eyes. i can't kiss yur lips. i try to imagine and i cry. i try to push back and forget the pain but i can't. because the scars that were brought by just makes me remember that the past is real.

Long ago
Just like the hearse, you die to get in again
We are so far from you

Burning on, just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know
And what’s the worst you take (worst you take)
From every heart you break (heart you break)
And like a blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What’s the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Came a time
When every star falls
Brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what’s the worst you take (worst you take)
From every heart you break (heart you break)
And like a blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Can you hear me
Are you near me
Can we pretend to leave and then
We’ll meet again, when both our cars collide

; 080505 .

2005-12-27T06:33:00.005-08:00

i saw ezra today. (: i was very happy. (: (: talk`d quite a bit. since i was 11 i knew him. hoho. (: nd im still in contact w him. guess thats what makes it al tha more interestin.

11 nd 18. you see people grow and you wonder what happened during that 7 years. nd when you finally see them nd talk w them after that 7 years. you realise that there re so many types o people in the world. nd so many paths in life. those different paths and different people in the world which influenced me so much in my life. in those few years o me not being sure bout who i am nd whr i was t go what i was doin.

now i finally realised. i finally know what i want in life. what im doing in life. nd whr im going. like i finally have this clear picture o my life nd my future. thou the past can never change and no matter how you try to pretend it was al an act, its real. nd i can finally appreciate the mistakes i was presented w. the tough times i was made t go through. the confusion, the heartbreaks, the tears, the scars. i guess i know thats not the end. but im ready to walk hand in hand with the problems im faced with instead o just escaping and runnin away procrastinating nd facin em tomorrows. im not waiting for any tomorrows anymore. its too much time wasted. im ready for today.

nd he hasn't changed. i was 11, i almost hated him. till i was 14, i hated that extreme change. till 16, when he was comfortin me durin my heartbreak. nd till now, when i still am never givin up on makin him stop -------. he looks the same. he behaves the same. nd he still cares.

anwys had og gatherin' tdy at marina. (: they re quite nice. had pizza nd went t pool at arcade. (: (:

met lin ytd at heeren. he got me the kinda bracelet i wanted!. (: nd its super nice. rlly beautiful. nd unique. nd i love it. (: (: (: was rlly happy.

had a tiff w HER agn. whats new. its just so frustratin. i rlly hate comin home seein HER listenin t HER. nd when anger turns t tears, hatred builds. i hate cryin. esp cause o HER. it makes me feel so weak.

then durin this horrible time, i always have this someone who ll wipe my tears away for me. nd whisper words o encouragement, or think o funky new ways t make me smile. then he ll make me look into his eyes nd that sudden hurt felt when yu see him smilin through his sad eyes make me want more than anything t see him have smiling eyes.

ilyu. 080505

; talk is cheap .

2005-12-27T06:33:00.004-08:00

back`d t dhs tdy. smiles. its great t be w the freaks. it just feels so family. like im loving every moment totally. got a wedding t attend. that feels fun. w the freaks too. funner. i suddenly feel like my life revolves around so many happy things. i feel like i ought t be happy.

headd t great vines tdy. just sitting talking chillin w the girls. it felt so good. it felt like true friends. sitting w true friends. they re like the ones i can really confide in. nd they re the ones we really look for durin any heartbreaks etc etc.

went t see lin working. smhw it made me so sad. waitd. msgd. waitd. waitd waitd. it was sort o strange seeing him agn. like smone you know so well. you shared your ups and downs, cried w, laughed w, argued w, got drunk w, made noise w, fought w... nd thr you are sitting just beside him. yet not knowing what t say. not knowing what t do. time nd again asking myself why im not talking. why im not laughing. why im not crying. asking myself what im feeling. nd as he held my hand, why couldn i feel anything. why d i go numb? why did everything feel so cold? nd even till he walked away. i couldn answer anything.

took out pen nd paper. nd started writing. writing non stop. pouring out my thoughts, so compressed feelings. trying t uds myself. trying t know hw i really feel. but i just, no feelings came out. words words, dry, technical. words are all so full o crap. everyone can talk so much yet do smth else. its just so fake now. nd tryin t decide if i shld leave it w someone or somewhr. then i took a turn, walkd away, carrying the letter w me.

im happy. i really am happy. everytime im sad, il take a look around nd fill my head w things that should make me happy. nd then il smile. il smile... nd feel happy. just the way i rmbed the only other happy time we had tgt aft i came back, before you started work. but now things change. you got stuff t settle. you re doing so well in your work im really proud o you. acheiving so much in such a short time. but if you cant handle both, you let one go. nd im really happy w just the memories itself alrdy.. its okayy. i told you, il be happy. no matter what. go, do what you are t do. i dnte know who you are really. even after so long. sometimes i face so much doubt im not sure who t trust. and then again, hw much do i really know you right.. but i know hw impt i am t you. thats hw maybe, you shld stick t your job. cause you re happy thr. more.

well, im heartbroken. but i smile. i rmb. i am happy.

Sorry

I heard it all before
I don't want to hear
I don't want to know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself

I don't want to hear
I don't want to know
Please don't say 'forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

You're not half the man you think you are
Save your words because you've gone too far
I've listened to your lies and all your stories
You're not half the man you'd like to be

Don't explain yourself cause talk is cheap
There's more important things than hearing you speak
We stayed because I made it so convenient
Don't explain yourself you'll never see

; imyu .

2005-12-27T06:33:00.003-08:00

its different without yu. yu know that? somehow im managing to wake up every morning with a totally different perspective now. but i still miss yu. yu know i do. i took bus to school today. i did it because i didn't want to have to miss yu too much. can yu imagine going by the same road w someone who's not going to be there to walk that same road anymore? i can't. well, at least not yet. im hoping to see yu soon. now we hardly see each other anymore. it's really sad. but it just gets worse after talking with yu on the phone. wonder if yu feel sad too? im trying to keep it in yu know? just like how yu did that night when we headed to kbox w my cousins. but im really very sad. have yu felt tears roll down and there's no one to brush them away for yu? even when i left for the states i didn't feel so bad. why now? i'll give all my tomorrows for one yesterday baby. happy eighth month this sunday lovee.

; killd .

2005-12-27T06:33:00.002-08:00

Yeah.... it's my life.... in my own words i guess....

Have you ever loved someone so much
You'd give an arm for
Not the expression
No, literally give an arm for
When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armor
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her
But what happens when karma
Turns right around to bite you
And everything you stand for turns on you despite you
What happens when you become the main source of her pain
"Daddy look what i made"
Dad's got to go catch a plane
"Daddy where's mommy?"
"I can't find mommy, where is she?"
"I don't know, go play, Hailey baby, your Daddy's busy"
"Daddy's writin' a song, the song ain't gon' write itself"
"I'll give you one underdog, and you got to swing by yourself"
Then turn right around in that song, and tell her you love her
And put hands on her mother who's a splittin' image of her
That's Slim Shady
Yeah baby Slim Shady's crazy
Shady made me
But tonight, Shady's rock-a-bye-baby, huh...

And when I'm gone, just carry on
Don't mourn, rejoice
Everytime you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that, I'm lookin' down on you smilin'
And i didn't feel a thang
So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back

I keep havin' this dream I'm pushin' Hailey on the swings
She keeps screamin' she don't want me to sing
"You're makin' Mommy cry"
"Why? Why is Mommy cryin'?"
"Baby Daddy ain't leavin' no more"
"Daddy you're lyin'"
"You always say that, you always say this is the last time"
"But you ain't leavin' no more, Daddy you're mine"
She's pilin' boxes in front of the door
Tryin' to block it "Daddy please, Daddy don't leave, Daddy, no stop it"
Goes in her pocket, pulls out a tiny necklace locket
Its got her picture "This'll keep you safe, Daddy take it with ya"
I look up, it's just me standin' in the mirror
These fuckin' walls must be talkin'
Cause man I can hear 'em
They're sayin' you got one more chance to do right
And it's tonight
Now go out there and show 'em that you love 'em 'fore it's too late
And just as I go to walk out of my bedroom door
It turns to a stage
They're gone, and the spotlight is on
And I'm singin'

Sixty thousand people
All jumpin' out their seat
The curtain closes
They throwin' roses at my feet I take a bow
And thank you all for comin' out
They're screamin' so loud I take one last look at the crowd
I glanced down I don't believe what I'm seein'
"Daddy it's me, help Mommy, her wrists are bleedin'"
"But baby we're in Sweden"
"How did you get to Sweden?"
"I followed you Daddy, you told me that you weren't leavin'"
"You lied to me Dad, and now you made Mommy sad"
"And i bought you this coin, it says NUMBER ONE DAD"
"That's all i wanted, i just want to give you this coin"
"I get the point, fine, me and Mommy are goin'"
"But baby wait..."
"It's too late Dad, you made your choice"
"Now go out there and show 'em that you love 'em more than us"
"That's what they want, they want you Marshall they keep"
"Screamin' your name, it's no wonder you can't go to sleep"
"Just take another pill, yeah i bet you you will"
"You rap about it"
"Yeah, Word, K-K-Keep It Real"
I hear applause, all this time I couldn't see
How could it be, that the curtain is closin' on me?
I turn around, find a gun on the ground
Cock it, put it to my brain
Scream "Die Shady" and pop it
The sky darkens, my life flashes
The plane that i was supposed to be on crashes
And burns to ashes
That's when i wake up
Alarm clocks ringin' There's birds singin'
It's spring and, Hailey's outside swingin'
I walk right up to Kim and kiss her
Tell her I miss her
Hailey just smiles and winks at her little sister
Almost as if to... say....

you dnte know what you did to me when you left me al alone mom. you destroyed me. but daddy saved me.

; exasperations .

2005-12-27T06:33:00.000-08:00

i swear. im fuckin' hungry. ): i dnte know whyie la.

toopidd izzie. make me go 7/11 t buy cupnoodles w her for lunch cause she din wanna travel. hmphhhs. ahhs. i dnte like you no more. no more huggiesss. toodle ppooooogle. hmphhhhs.

i dnte like you, no not you izzie. i still love you izzie.! (: i dnte like you you evil meanie monster. you totally screwd my boyfriend's plans up la. which fuckin indirectly screwd my plans. fuck you la. i seriously plead w you. STOP BEING A FUCKTARD. you re pissin' me off. nd i swear dnte make me mad. PLEASE. i dnte like you. kayy? i DNTE. just fuck off la. fuck outta my life nd my boyfriend's life la. GET YOUR OWN LIFE. i hate you. fuckin fucktard.

kayy. hmmmms. t pple who add me on friendster. if you add me, means you rlly wanna know me. if you wanna know me then you better talk t me. if not yes, i really will delete you off my list. you have 2 weeks.

ahhhhhs. okayy. im sry guys for tha vulgarities. just that im tryin t vent out my exasperationss. its al your darn fault you dirty dirtbag!. ): < kayy.

; shoo .

2005-12-20T17:23:00.002-08:00

you esp. you make me so pissd off. just shut tha fuck up kayy. i cant take it no more. just go away. i dnte need to remember you.

; irritatism .

2005-12-20T17:23:00.001-08:00

headed t town ytd w lin. unfun la. siann. went t cine but no nice shows. went t lido also no nice shows. no nice timings also. ): rwahs. hmphs. anwys, endd up watchin some M18 show which i dnte even know what the title is. siann. show was not nice. shld have just watchd king kong lorhs. wtf. ahhs. sianns. went t ps aft that. that fight fight fight. sianns. damn f-ed up la. okay alrdy then fight agn. wtf la. nd my nice cute shoes gave me super painful blisters. kayy. nvms. aft that lin did smth super evil t me la. wtf. im super siannd la. shit. ytd was a sucky day. ): nvms, then aft that playd scissors paper stone. lose him 3 times. wth. sucks la.

met my cousins for dinner. din feel hungry so din eat. sianns. then had t walk al tha way t paradiz. f-ing far la i swear. sucks la. kayy. but it was damn dumb la. sing till like 10 to 3 in the morn. ladies night what. but only 3 hours. then those guys say what. see you al so cute so pretty free o charge drinks plus no extra charge. WTF. whatever la. -.-'''

then saw smth which i shldn have seen. makes me wonder how we re so alike. but i shall just shut up. nd pretend nth ever happend.

kayy. anwys, im pretty in a bad mood now la. so 'xcuse tha vulgarities. tdy must go buy al tha last min pressies but i dnte know what t get at al la. sianns. nd i really am not going for tha party so dnte ask alrdy okayyyyy. so what if you al re going. im NOT going la. im irritatd. by everything nd everyone. bye. ):

; chirstmas .

2005-12-20T17:23:00.000-08:00

im glad to be back in sg. it's been real long 20 days. but im back. with lin. (: <3>

things have really been nothing but going upwards for us. (: suddenly i know where i've gone wrong. and now im not going to let it happen. i guess everyone starts being different when it comes to a certain stage. when i count back. it took just some long time to make me realise that. but hey, its over. when i came back i cabbed down to baby's place. everythings so much better. so much better. and im really happy. (: still remembering praying hard when i was in the states that i cld be like lin, always holding on to that faith no matter what happened. always praying for the faith, to believe in him, to trust him. and i did. now that im back, things couldn't be better. (:

i had a talk with kho that day. and its funny. the way he says why don't you work and go college at the same time. and i bet the whole gang s gonn think it funny too. i wonder. i want to live my life. for 13 years i couldnt remember my life. for the next 3 years i thought life as nothingness. but now i've found a meaning in life. and im seriously not going to waste it the ways you do it. you don't have the time to spend for yourself. for your friends? im not sure. but i want to have the time. for myself. my family. my friends. and for doing all that i want to do. life's too short. and you never know when you will die. if i die tomorrow at least i know what i've done. but its going to be different for you.

i passed lee that day. you're scared. to know your feelings. and i was apprehensive too. cause i wasn't sure. but im sure now. i know deep down what i want. who i want. and i've got what i want. i've got who i want. and i love him.

christmas is coming up soon. went shopping with ling yesterday. i miss her. and she saw lin. hoho. (: sisters and 1 cousin down. just one more cousin to go ehs baby? then welcome to the family. grinss. bet someone's ego s really boosting now. "gentle giant" smiles. i love you. and they love the picture we took on ling's cam. the drama queen never changed. still as drama, still fight while shopping, still make alot of noise. i love you too babe.

ive always really thought nothing much of what i really wanted my future to be. and i always had well this idea that daddy s gonn send me overseas if i cant get into U here. well. suddenly with things going so smoothly. i just feel like i really want to stay here. with ling comin back next year too aft graduation. i really feel i know whats the meaning of sayang villa. i finally uds the meaning of the name of our house.

this is my life. this is what i want in life. and things couldn't get better. it's christmas soon. and this chirstmas party is going to be smashing. not cause it's well prepared, not cause it's organised. no, its cause suddenly everyone's a family. and its cause i finally get to spend it with my baby.

; go away .

2005-11-23T22:21:00.000-08:00

oh crap.
great.
i just dnte need this.
):
you re gonn upset him.
nd its gonn upset me.
dnte.
just give it up kayy.

i nvr expectd things t be this way. i dnte know what i did t make things turn out this way. he just came late. thats al.

----------------------------------

baby -- thanks for chippin' in for my black top. <3>

kim -- let me know babe on fri agn. love you.

stephh -- thank your mom girl. (:

marcus chin -- give it up boy. its not gonn' work. you re gonn be pissin' him off. let it go.

; IM A HAPPY BABY .

2005-11-23T00:56:00.000-08:00

s'pposd t go w alan t his aunt s place t swim,

endd up headin' t raffles city cause it was pourin. ): ): it was effin' cold pls. brr. lucky was wearin long sleeves nd jeans. hahahs. alan was super cute. hahas. he was readin TODAY nd walkin along city link when i met him and he didn't realise it. i gave him a huggggg. (: nd he got a shock. heeee. (:

hoho. nd thr was this woman askin if i wantd t pose for some commercial ad. .... uhs?

saw terrance at bodyshop too. hhahahs. long time no seeeeee!. beeg bully. misses.

hmmms. anwys, chilld out at some nice place readin mags. I LOVE THA CHEESECAKE THR PLS!. YUM YUM YUM. licks licks. SUPER NICE PLS!. heee. nd JUICE is a niceeey mag. <3

walkd twards tha mrt, passd bodyshop nd alan said he s thinkin o werkin thr. hmmphhhhhhhh. ): ): ): rwahhhhs. then he said its tha first time he s seen his girlfriend jealous. HMPH. im a girl also what. bites. ):

went t src t meet mommy nd sisters then headd dwn t marina. I WANT T GO BACK THR FOR MY TOP. ALAN!!!!!. kayy. im sure we ll go dwn thr now. (: (:

shoppd for gowns nd i din like any o em. pouts.

in e end endd up at my lovely place. gushesss. PHUTURE LONDON. LOVE LOVE LOVE. went t wisma s one. NO MORE O MY GOWN. i tell you i was devastatd. my heart was shatterd t a million pieces nd i was almost in tears. super sad. so rushd dwn t tha taka one.

nd thr was it!. MY LOVELY GOWN. (: (: guess what. the designer herself was thr too!. limitd edition stock. came out just last week nd this week its alrdy al gone. DNTE DREAM O BUYIN IT ANYMORE. I TOOK THA LAST GOWN. sticks out tongue. ahhhs. but it was super embarrassin. had t try it on for mommy cause she s paying. then when i came out tha designer was effin happy. cause like the gown totaly fittd me. nd she thought it was perfect. it was a lil low so she helpd measure nd told mommy how t tailor a lil for me. then it was quite some commotion that it drew a lil crowd. so embarrassing la!. later on she askd 'em whether it was nice some more la. ....
oh gosh. i SWEAR I WAS EMBARRASD!. ):

BUT MOMMY BOUGHT THA GOWN. LALALALAL!. (: (: (:

IM A SUPER DUPER HAPPY BABY NOW.

; one last dance .

2005-11-22T00:52:00.000-08:00

went for rese's confirmation on sunday. i love stephh. swahmmms.

kayy. i met marcus chin. i think he's crazy. but nicey. well at least he stayd w me till alan came. nd it was like a fuckin' 0230h in tha morn la. sweet. (:

------------------------------------

went for trng this morning. hoho. (:

went towninn. walkd super long. nd im super freakin' tird now. ): i want t get my gown from phuture london. > :( NOW.

friggin' busy these few days la. fuckin' last few days in sg before i hit states so must go get time t spend w pple. love love. (: im gonn miss you guys loadsa strawberries.

i miss lucas. ):

---------------------------------------------

i dnte know what t do abt us. ife been rlly sad kayy. like tdy i know you re gonn meet your grp kayy. yea. nd you re so distract`d before that. i dnte know. in that case id rather just skip goin out w you. id rather go out w others who ask me out nd re more interestd than you in goin out w me. like al that shit bout you sayin you ll ask me out aft your As. come off it la. you re al fuckin' talk. i cante take it. i dnte wanna play your game. im sick o it. you win. i give up. i dnte know what t say. rlly. dnte ruin my steps.

-----------------------------------

One last dance with you
even though what we have is strong
both of us know that we've done wrong
you could lose everything
need to give it up
just one last dance with you
for all the moments that we shared
all the lies they don't compare
you gotta go back to him, and I realize that
every time I see your face I know
there's a part of me that can't bear to let you go

And I would give my heart
give you the world, risk losing everything I got
i'd give it all to you
though I don't wanna stop
I know it's the right thing to do.....yeah

One last dance with you
so hard to find the words to say
but I can't see any other way
girl you've risked everything
time to give it up
just one last dance with you
and though it breaks my heart to leave
we both know it's time to let it breathe
you gotta go back to him, girl I realize that
every time I see your face I know
there's a part of me that can't bear to let you go

And I would give my heart
give you the world, risk losing everything I got
i'd give it all to you
though I don't wanna stop
I know it's the right thing to do.....yeah

So many times we tried to hold back
we been here before now girl
and it feels so cruel, yeah
a million tears won't change the fact that
I find it hard to play the game
when I feel like i'm the one to blame

But I would give my heart
give you the world, risk losing everything I got
i'd give it all to you
though I don't wanna stop
I know it's the right thing to do.....yeah

And I would give my heart
give you the world, risk losing everything I got
i'd give it all to you
and make our peace with god
I know it's the right thing to do...yeah

One last dance with you.....oh yeah....oh yeah

yu disappear`d. yu walk`d away. but i was always 'ere.

; fuck off .

2005-11-16T00:07:00.000-08:00

YTD.

went w izzie t shop nd catch all about love after lect. so sad kayy. ): i was crying!. ): nd izzie was crying throughout the movie. like as if she broke up if the cinema like that. hugshugs.

rushd back t school for trng. stupid. > :( in the end trng cancelled nd we din know. hmph. rush rush rush for nothing. in e end jiamin, manda, ber nd i traind ourselves. row rushd down t join us a bit. quite funn thou. (:

i waitd for yu t end yur paper while the rest went for bubble tea. i waitd for nothing.

TDY.

went out for lunch nd townd w mom.

whatever.

crap shit.

whatever.

pissd.

met rach nd judy at gelare thou.

pissd.

dnte uds whyie i wait up for yu t call. i got it kayy. it was stupid o me t do so. nods.

fuck off.

who am i t yu? yu re either too fast nd i too slow or e other way round. we re nvr really together.

; baby .

2005-11-13T23:38:00.000-08:00

i feel small .

nd yu so tall .

i feel safe .

w yu keepin' me in yur space .

i feel im missin' yu .

nd yu, re yu missin' me too ?

i feel i need an alan kiss .

ll yu give me one -- im sure we ll both feel tha bliss .

; luxurious

2005-11-11T18:59:00.001-08:00

Working so hard every night and day
And now we get the pay back
Trying so hard saving up the paper
Now we get to lay back

Champagne kisses hold me in your lap of luxury
I only want to fly first class desires, you're my limousine
So elegant the way we ride, our passion it just multiplies
There's platinum lightning in the sky
Look I'm livin' like a queen

This kind of love is getting expensive
We know how to live baby
We're luxurious like Egyptian cotton
We're so rich in love we're rollin' in cashmere
Got it in fifth gear baby
Diamond in the rough is lookin so sparkly

Sugar, honey, sexy baby
When we touch it turns to gold
Sensitive and delicate kinda like a tuberose
You know you are my treasure chest
It's pure perfection when we kiss and
You're my Mr.. I'm your Miss
Gonna be until we're old

cha-ching cha-ching we're loaded and we're not gonna blow it
cha-ching cha-ching we're hooked up with the love cause we growit
cha-ching cha-ching we got hydroponic love and we're smokin'
cha-ching cha-ching we burn it you and I, we are so lit

its gonn' be this way .

; luxurious

2005-11-11T18:59:00.000-08:00

; dadde rawks .

2005-11-10T18:36:00.000-08:00

i realised that people who work and study only so as not to get affected by other stuffs are actually cowards. hohoho. (: they just want to be so tired that they cannot bring themselves to be affected by anything else. nd to think that i actually thought you really were so great t do that. ahhs. whatever man. stop your laments nd al. bullshit!. (:

got into an argument w 'mom'. dnte even know what tha fuck im doin w her la. she nvr pays for any o my expenses. talk about havin parentS. i dnte think so. al my life i always only had a dad. i love my dad. 'mom'? seriously its a word used only for tha sake o it. whatever. fuck it k

anwys, thrs ladies night tnight at dbl o!. ((: ladies get t go in freeeeee! rnb al night lovliesss. ;)

im not feeling well thou. sighh. so im not going. rwahsss. i miss yu now. ):

its daddy s burfdae tdy so im not gonn be runnin away. count yourslef lucky bitch.

HAPPY BURFDAE DADDY!. (: LOVE YOU!.

; mismatch`d .

2005-11-07T12:34:00.000-08:00

went out for dinner yesterday. then watched 10 things i hate about you. SO FUNN!. SO NICE!. oh gosh. i swear i need a boyfriend like him. even my sister said the same things. he was so sweet! i can't believe he paid the band to play can't take my eyes off you and he sang it to her in front of everyone while she was having soccer practice. it was so sweet. and when she was reciting her poem to the class i almost cried! sweeet showw!. lovely.

thanks khoo for tha bikini!. i got a new bikini! grinss. (: (: (:

------------------------------------

so i did go over to his house. at 0230 in the morning. that s half my week's allowance gone. great. talk about shopping. sigh.

surprised no one came down to complain about the noise after all the shouting, cursing and swearing. guess we eventually got down to talking. guess he finally let me cry all my sorrows out. they were covered with the anger, hurt and emptiness i was feeling for him.

i don't know what came out of everything. because i'm not sure what i'm feeling now. everything still feels the same.

yu're going to have a hard time getting me back. all the best to yu.

-------------------------------

kho -- yups, il meet up for dinner in sf with you kayy. (:

tok -- i'll tell you bout things when i see you again kayy. study hard for Os bro. don't give up. <3

yang -- call me out some time soon! i love you babe!. smwahs. <3

ng -- yea, we'll try to go catch the movie tgt w lim kayy. gothic fanns. hohoho. yes. and you rock for agreeing guys are annoying assholes. (:

chin -- hey man. thanks for endlessly bringing that smile to my face. it was nice dancing with you too. but let's just keep it there kayy. happy burfdae in advance. im sorry i didn't take up the offer for a movie.

-----------------------------------

I gotta shake it off
Cause the loving ain't the same
And you keep on playing games
Like you know I'm here to stay
I gotta shake, shake it off
Just like the Calgon commercial
I really gotta get up outta here
And go somewhere I gotta shake it off
Gotta make that move
Find somebody who
Appreciates all the love I give
Boy I gotta shake, shake it off
Gotta do what's best for me
Baby and that means I gotta
Shake it off

By the time you get this message
It's gonna be too late
So don't bother paging me
Cause I'll be on my way
See I grabbed all my diamonds and clothes
Just ask your momma she knows
You're gonna miss me baby
Hate to say I told you so
Well at first I didn't know
But now it's clear to me
You would cheat with all your freaks
And lie compulsively
So I packed up my Louis Vuitton
Jumped in your ride and took off
You'll never ever find a girl
Who loves you more than me

I found out about a gang
Of your dirty little deeds
With this one and that one
By the pool, on the beach, in the streets
Heard y'all was
Hold up my phone's breakin' up
I'ma hang up and call the machine right back
I gotta get this off of my mind
You wasn't worth my time
So I'm leaving you behind
Cause I need a real love in my life
Save this recording because
I'm never coming back home
Baby I'm gone
Don't cha know

; reflections .

2005-11-06T19:10:00.000-08:00

yesterday night really made me stop and think about my life espeacially spritually. after what yang told me last night and after quarelling with lin. i realised i was wrong when i thought what was settled then and there a long time ago wouldn't ever come back. so the past lives with you. so you just got to live with it and accept it. even if it sucks like fuck.

alright. so i did make wrong choices. so i did step onto the wrong path of what everyone thinks is 'right'. but that is how many of us learn and grow. true, teenage years are the most rebellious. i'm just growing along. so what if i made the wrong choices? did i not learn from things? did i not grow up just fine? i mean i'm not even in the wrong boat anymore. i just learnt truths the hard way. that's all. yes, i won't deny i was curious. but i paid the price didn't i? i accepted the consequences didn't i, i've got a bad past and i know i can't put it behind me. i realise now i've got to face up to it, accept it and move on. who's to say anything about me now?

in fact, i think i've the right to say and compare myself to those people who just live their lives normally, growing up with a perfect childhood, never worrying about money, getting to the 'right' schools. they are so pitiful. they don't understand what life is all about. they don't even get the chance to plan their life. everything's all set out for them to stay and remain on the right track. they don't understand how the real world plays the game. they are too protected from all the fuck that's really going on behind the fantasy world created for them.

i don't give a fuck about what other parents say about me. i mean they can say all they want. firstly, their children aren't even of age to compare. secondly, i beat their children in getting into the 'best' schools. so what? call me rude, call me low, no morals. don't you just think they are doing exactly what they despise? i mean they go on telling others about me behind my back and when they see me face to face they don't even dare open their fucking mouths.

you don't even know me. no one knows me. how can they when i don't even know myself? but people have ears to listen to right and wrong. sadly human nature makes us more keen on hearing rumours, gossips. today's homily, Father was talking about praying for strength to let us listen to all things but absorb only what is right. as i'm writing all these down, i realise that human nature is so filled with wrongdoings, temptations; all of which are strong enough to make us humans feel weak and fail.

after reflecting, i'm just not ready to be confirmed. i'm sorry if it's a disappointment, but i realise that i'm only just beginning to understand. and i'm just not ready to take the next step so quickly.

; unglam galore . (:

2005-11-05T23:44:00.000-08:00

hohoho. i msgd luc just now tellin him i was damn bored and guess what that joker did la pls!. he calld me nd askd me over for dinner. hahhahs. guess with who? his bunch o friends. oh mann. so paiseh la!. then guess whos cookin? HE ND THA REST O THA GUYS!. omgomg!. laughhs. (: I DID WANT T GO LA. TRUTHFULLY. but i was damn lazy t travel. ahhhhs. what t do. hahas.

just when i thought i was abt t die o boredom. KIMBERLY MSGD ME. YAYYY!. so i went out w her aft that whole bunch o rgs dance club went home. hahhahs. met her at 2030h. so fun la pls! we went t wisma shops nd grabbd nice stuffs t try. hahahs. then keep leavin w/out buyin anything. wha siann. i felt dammnnnnn UNsatisfied. kayy nvms. we wantd t stop by indo but no live band so gave it a miss ended up at far east instd. i swear la. UNGLAM QUEENS la both o us. hahahhas. oh nd we met EGG!. yes i met egg. AGAIN. yayy. hahhas. i thought it was him la. but hmmms. he s cuter than usual. hohoho.

im goin out w kim tmr agn pls!. WOOHOOO!. nd im gonn be headin tannin w her next week pls!. WOOHOOOOO!. kayy. im happy now. I NEED MORE CLOTHES KAYYYYY?? oh nd i saw this damn omgomg damn niceeee top in one o tha shops la. guess what! i told daddy nd he said he d buy for me!. 69 bucks. yeaa babehh. my dadde rawks man.

kayy. jos got his com back. finally can read up his blog agn. yayy. (:

i loveeeeeee kim my dearrr unglam pardner. (: smwahhhhhhs.

kayy. nd this is for ezra. im sorry ezra for nt listenin t you. i really am. thanks for stayin true al tha time man. frm last time till now. i know i can count on you bro. hugss.

Last night i took a walk in the snow
Couples holding hands places to go
Seems like everyone but me is in love
Santa can you hear me?

I signed my letter that i sealed with a kiss
I sent it off and just said this
I know exactly what i want this year
Santa can you hear me?

I want my baby ( baby baby )
I want someone to love me
And someone to hold
Maybe, maybe (maybe maybe)
He'll be all my own in a big red bow

Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year
And all i want is one thing
Tell me my true love is here
He's all i want just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
Ill be waiting here
Santa thats my only wish this year

Christmas eve i just cant sleep
Would i be wrong for taking a peek?
'Cause i heard that you're coming to town
Santa can you hear me?

I really hope that your on your way
With something special for me in your sleigh
Oh please make my wish come true
Santa can you hear me?

I hope my letter reaches you in time
Bring me a love i can call all mine
Cause i been so good so good this year
Cant be alone under the mistle toe
He's all i want in a big red bow

; summer s gone away .

2005-11-05T11:16:00.000-08:00

YTD.

yayy!. dwi finally replied my email. you re evil la. ): ): ): DONTE ask me to reply your emails anymore. HMPH.

kayy. i woke up super late then went t townnn!. (: (: then went for training aft that. wha fuckinnn. i swear my whole body aches like fuck now la. nd im sufferin frm butt blister. shit. ): ): but it was quite nice t be w tha boaters agn. (: (: yayyyy.

rushd t church la. PEARLYN ND TIM. PLEASE DNTE EVER DO THAT AGN. it was small grp la. ):

I MISS LUCAS!. but he calld last night. then we talkd nd talkd nd talkd. okay. we GOSSIPD. hahhahas. yayyy! im gonn go clubbin w him soon!. hahahas. i cant wait for him t finish Os la. ): oh nd YOU ND ROD BETTER GO FOR CAMP OR ELSE IM GONN SMACK YOUR ARSESSS!.

marcus. im rllllllly sorry kay!. wha crap. he keeps on givin me his email add. nd i just simply but NOT ON purposely deletes it from my inbox. sorry!. ):

TDY.

i think im gonn be spending christmas alone. ): like every other year. i wish yu d let me meet yu thou.i got stuffs to give back t yu nd t give t yu.

nd aft al that we ve been through, i still believe in yu
even though we re far apart, yu re still always in my heart
yu nd i cannot hide, tha love we feel deep inside
but tha words we need t say, wnte ever come out tha correct way

; like a saturday il be gone .

2005-11-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

Like a Saturday night i'll be gone
Like a Saturday night i'll be gone
Before you knew that i was there

So you wrote it down
I'm supposed to care
Even though it's never there
Sorry if I'm not prepared
Is it hard to see the things you substitute
For me and all my thoughts of you
It's eating me alive to leave you

Maybe it's childish and maybe it's wrong
But so is your blank stare in lieu of this song
Maybe it's childish and maybe it's wrong

Don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me, you're leaving me in lieu of this song
I'm breathing in your skin tonight
Quiet is my loudest cry
Wouldn't wanna wake the eyes
That make me melt inside
And if it's healthier to leave you be
May a sickness come and set me free
Kill me while I still believe that you were meant for me...

I'm finding my own words, my own little stage
My own epic drama, my own scripted page
I'll send you the rough draft, I'll seal it with tears
Maybe you'll read it and I'll reappear
From the start it was shaky and the characters rash,
A nice setting for heart ache where emotions come last
All I have deep inside, to overcome this desire
Are friendly intentions and fair-weather smiles
And I

Don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me, you're leaving me in lieu of this song
Don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me, you're leaving me in lieu of this.. in lieu of this song.

Like saturday night i'll be gone
Like saturday night i'll be gone
Before you knew that i was there

guess what day it is tdy?
saturday. 0501105. 0000h.

; sadddd .

2005-11-03T12:53:00.000-08:00

i had a dream about me. about you. about us. you know what? im so sick of you. okayy? i suddenly see so much of you. and i do NOT want to see you. catching your gaze and you choose to turn away. guess what. you ve been in my dreams for too long. fuckin coward. you DONT even dare to talk to me, to explain things to me, to even look at me. AFTER ALL YOU DID. i totally hate you now. i gave you loadsa chances boy. i always told you i was arnd. i always said id be thr when you needed me. but you? what did you do? you re a loser man. totally.

---------------------------------

im v sad now kayy. so call me nd cheer me up. or you can take a ride over t my house. i promise il be glad to seeeee pple. yayy!. (:

oh nd i paintd my fingernails black on tha left nd my toenails black on tha right. i think its like j nd h. -_-'''

im damn sad now la fuck.

-------------------------------------

il explain everythin t yu when i can face up t yu aiights. im sorry ife been a bitch kayy. but i do think yu ll agree bout it when yu hear frm me.

; newsroooooooom .

2005-11-01T23:44:00.000-08:00

hohoho!. (: (: (:

YTD.
mommy sent me t school nd i met alan. (: cant stand it man. nowadays keep playin spying games on me. ): hmphh. anwys, went t his place t do a bit o GP. so assholic. hw sucks.

got ready t meet kim later thou. so funnnnn! we went t cine t catch deuce bigolo. (: nd we managd t get in without em even checkin our id. (: oh wells. tha story s real plotless please!. but it was fuckin funny i swear. we were both in tubes la. nd it was fuckin cold la. hahas. funny, left nd realisd that we had loadsa time t kill. so walkd over t heeren t WINDOW shop. siannnnnnd. i need money pple!. ):

kayy. we took bus down t ms. nd had t walkkkkk!. UP THA SLOPE TOO!. ): kayy. im takin cab next time la pls. anwys, we reachd newsroom nd sian, got loadsa pple outside la. overcrowdin. think maybe got more inside than out.

fuck la they were damn strict la. checkd everyone s id. borrowin o id also kena check la. they keep askin like what blood type, address etc etc. FUCKERS know. so kim nd i had no id. we just had t wait for kelvin nd rayner. then pass chop agn. hohoho. i seriously love tha idea o gettin in wout payin for tickets. (: (: (: it saves me my 16 bucks la. siannd. 1 for 1 till 12. crap. by tha time we got in alrdy what time la.

kim nd i went in then she draggd us both up t tha poles t dance. hohoho. hell o a fun time la i swear. hohoho. drank quite alot ytd considerin tha fact i went back t alan s hse broke. sighh. anwys, dj suckd la. aft awhile his songs were really bad songs.

nd thr was a fight.

nd we got bought drinks by this grp o guys.

nd i went back t alan s hse.

somehow, i was feeling relieved nd damn fuckin happy that i was back w him.

i love yu boy.

TDY

i dnte rlly like alan tdy. ): he s mean. sighh. im irritatd w yu la.

fuckkkkk. ):

but his brother s damn funny la pls.

; seas apart .

2005-10-31T10:49:00.000-08:00

im into bladin' now. (: yayness. i need pple who like t blade toooo. c'mon c'mon. (: (:

daddy s been teachin me drivin. (: its pretty funn, nd il say its not as hard as i thought it t be. hohoho. but mommy s pretty pissd cause im usin her car. seriously, i think i must be pretty good since i haven hit anythin yet. grinssss.

dom came over last night. hohoho. i miss that arse la. heard frm him that kiw s retired. its sad rlly. nd its bye bye dhs too. yayyness. (: had quite a long chat, nd touchd on tha topic bout relationships nd he askd me one question which i cant seem t get off my mind. he askd if i was happy being w alan. its strange hearin that from someone else, not myself, not alan but someone else. nd i sensed i took some time t answer him. anwys, he kept playin w max la. totally gayin arnd w max la. rolls eyes. (: (: i hope he STUDIES HARD FOR As, FINDS HIS MOTIVATION. yayy. hahhas. il catch up w him pretty soon. (:

its been quite awhile since i last spoke w alan, a heart t heart chat. yet i dnte find that i miss that. we hardly have heart t heart chats in e first place. moreover, i think we someone need our own space as well. im quite comfortable w tha way things re right now. i wonder if he is too. i dnte find a great desperate dependency on him like i had before, or w any other guys. hohoho. fabian s words "macham you guys married for 20 years like that". hmmm. any hows im rlly glad in fact, that i dnte feel any extreme emotions for him. just normal, steady relationship. its what ife always wantd. nd im glad for that.

met alan just now. bout my previous entry thou i dnte think i wanna comment bout it. so i just kept quiet wishin yu wld too. i never brought tha topic up t yu. i just kept quiet bout it. whyid yu talk so much. i dnte like t hear yu say things which yu cant prove.

ignorance is bliss.

(Don't forget about us)
Don't baby, don’t baby, don't let it go
No baby, no baby, no baby no
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
My baby boy...

Just let it die
With no goodbyes
Details don't matter
We both paid the price
Tears in my eyes
You know sometimes
It'd be like that baby

Now everytime I see you
I pretend I'm fine
When I wanna reach out to you
But I turn and I walk and I let it ride
Baby I must confess
We were bigger than anything
Remember us at our best
And don't forget about

Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and
I can see it in your eyes
You still want it
So don't forget about us

I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever
So don't forget about us

Oh they say
That you're in a new relationship
But we both know
Nothing comes close to
What we had, it perseveres
That we both can't forget it
How good we used to get it

There's only one me and you
And how we used to shine
No matter what you go through
We are one, that's a fact
That you can't deny
So baby we just can't let
The fire pass us by
Forever we'd both regret
So don't forget about

And if she's got your head all messed up now
That's the trickery
She'll wanna have like you know how this lovin' used to be
I bet she can't do like me
She'll never be MC

Baby don't you, don't you forget about us

Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
No baby, no baby, no baby no
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go

When it's for real, it's forever
So don't forget about us.

; get her or me .

2005-10-28T23:57:00.000-07:00

i think i saw you just now. while on tha bus. i think i saw you. were you thr? whr i was? whyies it i keep seeing you everywhr. you disappear for so long, i dnte ever see you at al, keep thinkin that i wnte ever see you agn. but suddenly out o a sudden im seeing you everywhr. you know, its a totally different feeling everytime i see you. i get tha feeling of desperately wanting t go sit down, have a long chat w you. you know i do. you know i wantd one long time ago. but you just never gave me tha chance t uds tha whole situation. i know im gonn see you agn, real soon. nd its not nice t keep seeing you. so near yet so far. in this case id rather never ever see you agn.

you know i want t talk t you. talk t me ll you?

--------------------------

he was ticklin' me real bad. i was laughin real hard. nd then i realised i was tryin t catch my breath. i cldnt stop him. then i startd cryin. al o a sudden. i rmb i did it a few times at gen s place last time. nd now its startin agn. i know im buryin some stuff alive. its screamin t come out. shhh.

i happend t run over his old blog. nd what read. it just keeps comin back t me. i guess i saw things i shldnt have seen. it got me thinkin bout how many girls have he said tha same things t? its just so outright starin at my face. how cld i have been so stupid! its tha same pathetic set o things yu used t say t her which yu re sayin t me now? t think i was foolish enough t believe yur tears when yu said that. fuck i forgot yu re a guy al tha same. i hate tha thought im livin in her shadows. nd im getting more nd more disgustd everytime i see that what you said t her you re sayin t me now. what puts me off even more, what were you thinkin when you said those t me? how cld you ever say tha things you said t her back t me? blablablablablablablablabla. nd now w al tha things rushin in my mind. im crammd up. i CANT SAY FORGET IT t myself. i know it was some time back but its AL COMIN BACK. she was perfect for yu. yu shldnt have let her go.

-----------------------------------

nd then im cryin' myself t slp once agn. nd il sit alone by tha beach watchin tha sun set al o'er agn. i dnte think tha person you hear when you call is me. i dnte think tha words you say is for me. but its okayy you know. cause im here w tha cold hard truth, beaten up by you.

-----------------------------------

It's after midnight
And she's on your phone
Saying come over cos she's all alone
I could tell it was your ex
By your tone
Why is she calling now
After so long

Now what is that she wants?
Tell me what is that she needs?
Did she hear about the brand new Benz?
That you just bought for me cos y'all didn't have no kids
Didn't share no mutual friends
And you told me that she turned trick
When y'all broke up in '96

Whatcha gonna do
When you can't say no
When her feelings start to show
Boy I really need to know
And how you gonna act
How you gonna handle that
Whatcha gonna do when she wants you back

There's no need to
Reminisce about the past
Obviously cos that shit did not last I
know how a woman will try to game you
So don't get caught up
Because baby you'll lose

Tell me why she on the phone
In the middle of the night
Tell me why she in your life
Trying to get what's mine
She don't know me
She's about to know me
I'm in your life
That's how its gonna be
I've seen her photo
She ain't even all that
So if you want her back
You can take her back cos game recognize game
I could do the same thing
Get it right, change
Or take back this ring

its okayy . il just sit alone by tha window nd watch tha whole scene play by me . nd when it al ends , il get up nd move along w my life . yu know it aint gonn be much .

; facades .

2005-10-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

YTD.
lim bb s not teachin us math nxt yr. shit. ): im gonn fail math.

---------------------------

met up w cheryl darling nd caught flightplan at tm. swear its damn nice please!. one o tha best thrillers ife caught so far. (: (: (: it was twas a gooooood show. aiights. then we headd shoppiN!. i wantd t get this black nail polish but we cldn find any. lousyyyyyy. ):
but its aiights. I MISSSSSSS CHERYL PLEASE!.

TDY
HAPPY BURFDAE STEPHH SWEETIE. LOVE LOVE!.

---------------------------------

aft al those times i acty blindly nd foolishly thought that particular subject din matter t me alrdy. that id just let it pass me by nd time prolly make me forget al that. but no. i was wrong.

AND NO, ITS NOT ANOTHER RLTNSHIP PROBLEM PLEASE.

kayy. but either way, yes. ife yet t let go o it. thats whyie perhaps im rlly hesitant bout certain other stuff. i mean im rlly glad bout hw things re now. but i cante help feelin like shit on e other hand.

nd im fuckin ashamed o feelin what im feeling. i mean i shld be really truthfully sincerely happy nd no other feelings. BUT IM NOT. nd its a fact IM NOT.

im so burnt out w pullin o such a facade t please others. nd im notin that most o em re too. but no. no one says anythin. like me, they aint got no choice. we re just pushd t tha corner. w NO CHOICE. kayy. maybe ife gone overboard. just a bit. but still! i dnte wanna feel this way. its a sucky feelin. its not like i can tell anyone bout it. its real trashy. nd itd prolly al sound so childish.

fucks.

i need a drink. ife been wantin one since i dnte know when. RIGHT ALAN? . sighhhs.

i wanna spill al the trash outta someone. but im lookin arnd. nd i realise that i dnte feel like aft al. tha pple i know. man, what do they uds bout how i feel. screw it. so far thrs only one other person who knows this feeling, who im sure ll uds my plight.

but he s just not arnd anymore. ife been seein him but he s just so far away. nd he s not gonn come back.

---------------------------

dnte worry bout me kayy. il be fine. its not that i dnte wanna open up t yu. but im sure that il feel much worse after that. not only cause i know what yu re gonn feel nd say ll just be a pushover but also cause i know yu wont uds what im feelin, how im feeling. things wld be ultimately different cause we re both in different positions. thank yu for al that concern nd al. i rlly appreciate it. if i rlly have t, i pinky il look for yu t talk w. but in any other case, im sorry yu d be tha last one il look for. ilyu

too close for comfort.

; fashion la la .

2005-10-22T22:18:00.000-07:00

YTD.
school s open house nd i fell aslp in tha ssc room. hohoho. when was tha last time i did that uhs? hmmm. (: but i had funnn w tha rest thou it was EXTREMEEEELY boring. kayy. my friend went too!. but i left when she went. i swear i was uttterly disappointd. ): ): ):

headd late t church. hohoho. i finally talkd w luc nd yea. heard his story. nd from tha talk i had w him, i guess i sorta had time t reflect alot bout my story. learnt alot o new things, alot o tha old stuff came back agn. so... i got a bit lost o myself as well. nd then i startd gettin high when i went home cryin myself t slp. so fucky. ):

TDY.
poold tdy at src. yummmmmy. i made 2 friends!. (: alan nd alfred. niceeee. but that alan guy was like i gues kinda authoratative. alfred was more approachable. nd i learnt a few stuff frm em i guess? hmmmm.

i finally heard frm that girl. (: grinss. nd watchd her touch rugby comp just now. yayyy.

omg omg omg!!!. (: uncle had invites t fashion show -- Asian Young Fashion Designers Contest which we headd t see just now. i swear its fuckin hot. (: well at least thr were a few pretty models -- one had a navel piercin! nd tha male models were just so. OOOOH, AHHHH. HOT!. really really hot. nd thr was this extreeeeemely cute one too. it was real generous, hello!. tha water they gave was like perrier. nd i collectd loadsa postiesss. (: that chauhan guy frm india had this piercin on his eyebrow, yea won first runner up. he s cute la. (: nd his designs really look like tha paris fashion. neatoooo. i really had a funn tyme. (:

-----------------------------------

t luc -- hey bro. stay strong man. you dnte need her at al. you re rlly much stronger than that. nd im rlly glad that you re able t learn alot o things frm e experience. anytyme you need a friend im arnd aiights. nd i have al tha tyme t lend you a listenin ear. im free now. (:

t kim -- hey, thanks loads for e offer o lettin me camp over at your hse aft tha party at newsroom. LOVE LOADSA SUGAR HONEY PIES. (:

t her that girl -- grinss. il see you at newsroom party girl.

t some long lost friend -- erm. you learn frm your mistakes. nd who re you t judge whats wrong nd right? .

t beckz -- hey woman, really thanks loads for stayin up w me till 2 in tha mornin t complete my pw. i really needd that help nd you gave it t me. even forfeitd your vcd despite your busy schedule just t help me. you reallly re nicey. i love you.

oh, nd help me think o a confirmation name!!. jeremia. (: grinss.

; PIMP ND HO .

2005-10-19T18:48:00.000-07:00

c'mon peeps!.

31st oct.

PIMP ND HO must go party at indochine (wisma).

20 bucks inc a drink.

im super ass-d out. rwarhhs. PW sucks. yes. frustrations please. well, its worse when you know that ...... thr.

anwys, i have a super irritating nd painful ulcer. ): sighh. sucks like fuck i swear. so pissifying. grrrr.

........ whatever it is go for tha PIMP ND HO parteeee please. its spposd t be fuckin fun. so yupp. if you re free, go. (: loveeeee.

; lovely wkend .

2005-10-16T23:31:00.000-07:00

i had a GREAT wkend. (:

FRIDAY

met luc nd derrick before headin t acjc s partee. funny i swear. t see al tha marists wearin their white uni walkin arnd in orchard. HOHOHO.

then headd t acjc s partee at indochine w kim nd clone. (: hell funn. i saw super alot o pple i nvr thought id ever see agn. hmmmms. mark tan, jj. nd amos. agn. =/ oooh, nd i saw egg. finally for tha first tyme la. hell. o al places. hoho. its a small world i realise. everyone seems t know everyone else. but it was damn good la. filld w cute guys al over. (: hohoho.

i keep seeing him suddenly. ): i dnte know what im spposd t feel nd i dnte think im clear bout what i feel when i see him. ): i just have this sudden desperate NEED t acty talk things w him. sighh. but i know it aint gonn happen.

SATURDAY

met up w our class peeps for cip. hohoho. they acty separatd al o us into individual grpings. frustrations. i swear it was damn disorganisd, messy nd they were supremely inflexible. talk bout a classs cip. wtf.

but anwys, i made new friends. esp e girls. oh man. i swear they re damn funn. (: ahhs. me nd this girl, we kept talkin nonstop. we just rlly hit it off damn well. nd tha rest were laughin at me cause i was super engrossd in conversationin w her. but she s damn nice i swear. wooo.

ohs. we visitd tha poor malay families. ife never seen a one room flat before. nd when i steppd into it. i was amazd. i rlly was. i just cldnt help feeling guilty at complainin bout al tha crap bout my own house nd stuff. ):

i realise that ife learnt alot in going t this college nd takin part in such activities. i feel much more humane. i mean, i acty feel for these pple. but previously its like i only hear nd read in tha papers. not much feelings. now, like at least i know i can help em out. its rlly a good feeling. i feel good bout myself. (: yayy.

met tha freaks at night. HOHOHO. i saw winn tan jon howan nd teddy. SURPRISE. yea yea. ho wan s still as short. winn tan s still as dumb. most o em were super sunburnt la. kim ho wan nd teddy esp. crazily red al over. hohoho. open hse. headd t nydc t makan. noisy please. hahah. but i was tooooo tird t acty walk. i swear i lackd slp nd aft tha cip thinggy nd walkin frm lido t cine then back t lido agn. i was tird. ): achin feet. sighh sighh.

SUNDAY

i woke up this mornin nd i cldnt walk la. i swear. my feeet were achin like shit. horribly painful. ): ):

met up w baby. (: went t his hse aft lunch w my fam. it was rainin like shit nd i was freeeeeeezin. brrrr. nd he fetchd me frm tha busstop. (: its always nice seein a beeg familiar figure walkin twards me. (: i loveeeee seeing him. yayy.

but . . . smth happend. nd i was sad. ): yes. then he was sad too. ): i dnte like seeing us sad. ): ): snuggles.

went home nd mommy complaind bout me goin out al tha time aft promos. but hey man. i studied for promos nd im promoting. be pleasd mom. (: yayy. hohoho. but oh wells, no escapin frm her. im gonn have ta mop tha whole hse tmr. so evil right!. nd its not like i got sch till 1530h then meetin starts at 1610h. crazyyyyy. tmr night im gonn be moppin tha whole freakin hse. that sucks la. ): till 2230h. yayy. ANTM. woooooo. (:

i love him. (:

; happy burfdae mel .

2005-10-13T23:59:00.000-07:00

wooots. i had 3 burfdae cakes. GRINS. (: (: (: thanks t baby, baby nd my family. hohoho.

HAPPY BLAT`D BURFDAE T BENEDICT ND DEXTER.

HAPPY BURFDAE T CLONE, KRYS ND ME! yayyyy.

i wanna thank tha followin pple:

cousins -- i love ya ll man. thanks t ling for calling. i miss you more than anyone else in tha world. thanks t becks for tha slippersss. muaaah.

alan -- thanks for tha surprise, for appearin late into tha night nd spendin my burfdae aftnoon w me. you re tha first t wish me happy burfdae. thanks for tha cakeeee. nd also for tha lunch nd movie treatttt. yayyy. love. (:

05A06: you gguys rawkkkkk! woooooo!. (: I LOVE YA'LL PLEASE. yayy. we did well for PROMOS. (: we rawk. no matter what.
t may -- thanks so much for your artistic card. it was FANTABULOUS. (: as usual. hohoho.
t fab -- thanks for tha self made earrings!. they re loveeeellyyyy turllllllyyyy!. yyayyyyyyyyy. (:
t sab -- thanks for tha card sweettieeeee. yayyyyy. you re a niceeey lovelly sugarrr fairyyyy.

freaks: munch munch. see you sat night. THANKS AL O YOU FOR RMBERIN MY BURFDAEEEE. I LOVE YOU SUGAR HONEY PIES! yayyyyy. (: (: (: love.

steph, tim, rod, ben, des, huangen, dinesh, jeremy, gordon, yuan hui, dwi -- THANKS LOADS FOR THA BURFDAE WISHESSS!.. xoxoxo. (: (: (:

yao xu -- sweetttt!. finally heard your voice again babe! stay funkyyyy. love.

clone, krys -- sexy seventeen la. (: biteeees. love.

jerome -- super sweeeet! mann, you travelld frm your sch t mine just t pass me presssssies. (: you rawwwwk man. thanks loadssss!.

val -- thanks for tha beeg bouquet o purple tulips! SURPRISD ME. i swear that was super sweet o you. thanks so muchhyyy!. (:

; man. im fuckin sadd .

2005-10-12T00:08:00.000-07:00

YTD.

i went for michael buble s concert. he s one helluva horny bastard. but he s fuckin good. if you dnte know how t appreciate his songs you re rlly missing out loads. poot. he s good. nd i love him. thr.

im sorry for vulgarities but im fuckin sad now so leave it kayy.

nd then i come back nd everythin s al happy happy. had pizza w becks watchd ANTM nd it was al fun.

then yu calld. nd then yu talkd bout my burfdae. nd it was wrong. im not havin no burfdae this yr. no one s celebratin for me. its fuckd up. im super sad. i just wanna leave it alone kayy. yu cant do nth bout it. i just wantd it t be special thats al. but its not gonn be. so thr. its gonn be fuck.

nd then yu hung up. it was okayy. i udstood.

TDY.

yu calld back. nd al i askd was "yu okayy not?" THATS AL. nd yu hung up on me. wtf. ): then i calld yu. I ACTY CALLD YU EVEN AFT YU HUNG UP. FUCK. i swear that was damn low o me. BUT I DID THAT FOR YU. CAUSE I CAR`D.

nd then i got HUNG DOWN AGN. TWICE.

then tha whole night just went wrong for us right. nd we both endd up cryin like fuckin losers. ahhhs. im sorry i din wanna answer tha phone. man. i was like fuckd up state cryin non stop nd feelin damn inferior t yu. i wantd t man. i fuckin wantd t.

thats whyie i calld back at some weird time. nd yu din wanna talk t me did yu. i dnte know. yu din reply my msgs, yu kept wantin me t go slp. mann. i din know what t do la. ): fuck it man. fuck it.

al i wantd t do was crawl up into yur arms nd snuggle thr. ): yu think i didnt want yu t come? man, i wantd like fuck t see yu. but baby, im a victim o circumstances. things yu din know bout that happend last night as well. i had t do what i had t do mann. yu just din know anythin at al. nd i was thr alone.

and then tdy. i went out w my teacher. had t act al so happy. nd she askd bout you. so much bout yu. nd i had t pretend we were cool. yu know how bad it was? im sure yu dnte. yu nvr had t do that. it hurt. it fuckin hurt. but what do yu know huh. yu re just out thr enjoyin yurself now. while i gotta back up for myself. she kept comparin yu w amos. yu know? that was just worse. that was fuckin just worse. yu dnte even know what i fuckin went thru. what was i t do. cry in front o her? mann. fuckd w tha tears.

then i thought maybe itd be nice t go over nd see yu tdy. from novena. and then i travelld al tha way. i msgd yu i was goin t yur place. nd yu were like "huh? er. okiee." fuckin turn off man. i went off nd changd trains immediately. whats yur problem man. whats wrong w yu man. fuck.

im so tired o cryin. but what am i doing now. so tired o hearin yu say sorry. but thats what i get almost every day. smtimes, i hate myself for lovin yu. then i realise that i almost hate yu. ):

what wld yu do if tha only person who can make yu smile makes yu cry?

Woke up today thinking of you
Another night and I made my way through
So many dreams still left in my mind
But they could never come true

I press rewind
I remember when
I close my eyes and I’m with you again
But in the end I can still feel the pain
Every time I hear your name

The sun won’t shine since you went away
Seems like the rain’s falling every day
There’s just one heart, where there once was two
That’s the way it’s gotta be,
until I get over you…

Walked through the park, in the evening air
I heard a voice and I thought you were there
I run away but I just can’t escape
Memories of you everywhere

They say the time will dry the tears
But true love burns for a thousand years
Give my tomorrows for one yesterday
Just to know that I could have you here

When will this river of tears stop fallin’
Where can I run so I won’t feel alone
Can’t walk away when the pain keeps callin’
I’ve just gotta take it from here on my own
But it’s so hard to let go .....

thats the way its gotta be until i get over you

t ling baby -- im fuckin pissd you re not comin back before i leave la fuck. you better hold your word bout tha fuckin drunkard dance nd beer. YOU OWE ME. ): but i love you so much nd im missin yu so baddd. ):

t girlfriend -- i love you tons o chocolate icecream. you re super sweeeeet. thanks for cheerin me up babeee. love. loads. nd thanks for tha attempts in makin me believe it aint his fault. sighh.

t jeremy -- thanks for offerin me a shoulder t cry on. im sorry i was vulgar on you. i really was just sadd kayy. you re real sweet.

t jon ang -- man. you re one helluva interestin asshole you know. from tha time you askd me for 10 bucks when i hardly know you, even till now. everytime. its always everytime you re arnd. nd i still dnte know you. thanks bro.

t egg! -- everytime you see a sad nick or an ugly dp, you re always thr. from tha time amos broke up w me, and you answerd tha phone thou i calld you at 3 plus am and was cryin like fuck even till now. you never fail me man. you re real wonderful. (: tha best thing bout you is that you dnte ask what happend. al you do is try your best t change tha topic nd make me smile. nd more often than not, you ignore my horrid sayings nd make me smile. thank you mann. thanks for tha date too. il msg you when im free. promiseee.

t m square -- its been awhile huh. but i still rmb that day when i replid your msg like fuck. nd you were alrdy at tha busstop tryin t walk t my house under tha fuckin heavy rain. but cause o my stupid insensitivity you walkd right back out nd took tha bus back. i finally know how yu felt. im so sorry. i really am.

; pooooooooo.

2005-10-10T00:25:00.000-07:00

hohoho. (:

went t parkway aft church nd saw a nice pen nd bought it for alan. then busd down t his place nd MADE HIM STUDY. (: yayy. alan studid!. munch munch.

anwys, had dinner at orchard hotel. buffet is i swear damn bloody good please. its yum yum yum al tha way. had my fair share o oysterrrss! FINALLY CRAVING SATISFID. ahhhhhhs.

it was spposd t be a burfdae dinner. cause on thurs its just weird. ): i dnte know. my cousin s not arnd t celebrate w me. ): sighh. sisters havin exams. i dnte know. i hate it that things re changin. everyone s bein so busy. its just sad. ):

i neeeeeed a poooooo hug frm yu now. ):

; ALAN LIN .

2005-10-09T01:09:00.000-07:00

YTD.
i just finishd promos mann. (: wooots.

headd t parkway w fab. he's crazee i swear. i rmbrd everything bout what you said clearly. hoho. now i can easily ruin your reputation. hahahs. if you even have any. sounds familiar? grinssss. poooooootsie.

I MET ALAN LIN AT NIGHT PLEASEEEEE. HE LOOKD SUPER GOOOD ND SMELLED FANTABULOUS. (: yumyum. kayy. we chilld at our usual favourite makan place but someone stole our usual favourite comfy space. POOOOOT. > :( we had our usual favourite calamari rings nd our usual favourite cookiess nd cream. YUMYUM. [: [:
oooooh. then we took picturess!. yayy. it was nice nd sweet nd fun nd crazy nd spasticatd. i loveeeeee mr lin please. [: hohohoho.
caught 4 bruddars. (: niceeeeee. wooooo. so cooooool la pls. nd w alan lin sittin beside me in tha couple seat. ahhs. what cld be better right? GRINS.
aft tha show headd t his place. yawnnss. it was past 12 alrdy. then we just sat arnd talkin thru tha night. hmmm. heart t heart talk. (:
he s e best kisser.
happy 5th month. ilyumtyweb.

TDY.
woke up at 1PM today. (: woooo. lunchd w fam at suntec. then headd t tha club nd took a shower then went t tha SUANA. (: IT WAS DAMN GOOD PLEASE.

headd t mr alan's hse aft that. nd i was laughin my arse off when i saw him fightin w his sister. hohoho. yea. but i was a bit jealous that i didnt have a brother. then i cld wrestle w him. that d have beeeen funn!. sighh. ): ahhs. at least i have my mr 6 in 1. thats good enoughh for me!. (: went t TM. crazyy. tha basement is damn crowdd pls. but tha food s damn good. we had 4 rounds o tako, nd loadsa other stuff. YUM YUM YUM YUM pls!. i had a tremendously fun night eating.
i love my 6 in 1 gem. (:

------------------------------------

t yu -- im glad yu re back. rlly. dnte go away agn aiights. poooo. ilyu boy.

; JEREMY SSS .

2005-10-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

thats it man. ): thr re far too many jeremy s in tha world. ): rawrhs!.

t jeremy -- al tha best for Promos mann!. jia you. dnte give up aiightss. (: (: nd thanks for al tha encouragement!. (:

t jeremy aka djspitfire -- youuuu. yayy! my burfdae s 13th. (: nd dnte forget t call me when you fe bookd it. grinssss. nd il help out for your prep if i can aiights? yayyy!.

; im just a girl .

2005-10-03T13:46:00.000-07:00

dinesh calld ytd night. (: i was so suprisd. ife missd him loadssss. (: (: nd we startd chattin up nd al. so familiar. he s great. ... somehow its as if my past is buildin up on me. that day when i saw him. now dinesh calls. it just feels so comfortable. nothing s changed. everything s still tha same. just tha way it was before. its been almost a year. but we ve changd but we re stil tha same.

i had GP tdy. nd i met up w girlfriend aft tha paper. she was askin me how alan was. nd i just din know how to answer her. i couldn answer her. nd then she said smth in reply which was totally hurting. but it made me reflect alot nd her words re so true. i hardly know much bout alan anymore. dnte know whr he s been, what he s been doin. i haven talkd t him in days. i prolly wnte see him arnd in school at al. i dnte know. its as if he s disappeard frm my life just totally. nd suddenly too. i feel like im takin a turn nd walkin back t my past. which totally awaits me w welcome arms. like im at a crossroad. either i continue walkin' forward seein nothin, whr everything s just a blur dark spot. or i turn nd walk backward seein everything nd knowin whr i stand. i realise its so easy t choose tha latter when you re alone.

im just a lil' girl. how cld yu rely on me for everything. ):

; deep nd meaningless .

2005-10-02T11:56:00.000-07:00

I, I don't know why I miss you so much
Yeah I, I don't know why I still feel your touch
You, you left me feeling high and dry
With nothing, nothing but the question why
Yeah you, I guess you had another direction
And leaving me with nothing but a dead connection

If you call me today
I'll say that I'm fine
But I bet you can tell by the tone of my voice
It's just a lie
You knew what you had
You still walked away leaving me in this mess
My love for you is deep and meaningless

You, you knew what you were doing to me
And I, I guess I was too blind to see
Well you hit where it hurt and you fooled me so bad
But I'd do it again to relive what we had
Damn that's sad

There are many things left to remind me
Of a love that I just can't leave behind me

__rooster; deep nd meaningless.

; 060703 .

2005-10-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

it was the sweetest feeling i felt. and now as i sat there, that short, brief moment, i felt so deep, i felt so much, it was there when i saw what i wanted to see. everything was just like a dream. a pretty perfect dream. and to know it was reality was just beautiful. it's just a pretty place isn't it? whoever would have thought there really was actually a dream come true. it's still the most amazing feeling.

When I was a child, the story would say

Somebody would sweep you off your feet someday.

That's what I hoped would happen with you,

more then you could know.

I wanted to tell you, that my heart's in your hands.

I prayed for the day that I would get the chance,

'N just when I worked up, the courage to try.

Much to my surprise,

you had somebody else, yeah yeah.

'Cos these feelings, I keep to myself.

I may never get to hold you so tight,

I may never get to kiss you goodnight,

I may never get to look deep in your eyes,

or so it seems.

I always will be wishing you were mine,

I think about what could be all the time,

all the happiness that I could find.

Baby...a girl can dream.

From the moment I wake up, 'til I fall asleep,

I imagine you not with her, but with me.

Talking and laughing, sharing our dreams,

it's just a fantasy, 'cos you had somebody else,

'cos these feelings I keep to myself.

A girl can dream...it's true,

and to call you my own,

it's the sweetest dream known.

Ohh, a girl can dream.

; mirror mirror .

2005-09-29T23:19:00.000-07:00

studied w fab sab nd may tdy at airport. (: guess who i met! my dearrrrr cheryl pls!. (: (: (: totally made my day. yayy!. ahahhas. i love her. i wrote her name on her econs paper. she ll rmb me forever yayy!. kayy.

mommy cheat my feelings la. ): said she d come down t tha airport fetch me. in e end never. whatever la. ): hmphh.

anwys. i finally found out who mr annoyomous was. (: loll. JEREMY!. grr. i swear his name was annoymous in my phone for tha longest time nd i din bother findin out who till tdy. loll. YOU. EVIL. hahhas. tha guy who just so happend t have shard cab w alex david nd me durin sirius bbq. loll. nd i have no idea how he looks like. it was TOO DARK. hmmmm. il let you know if i can make it for dinner tmr night aiights. (: STUDY HARD YOU LAZY BUM!. hahhas.

t luc -- gotta pull yourself tgt. you can do it aiights. get your Os done nd over w. dnte compromise on your priorities. dnte ever forget this. aft this whole thing, think in a way you have acty learnt smth from this whole thing. an experience you ll never forget. treasure e experience. close tha chapter boy, nd then move on. sayin seems t be real easy but its not. ife been thru this too. but you gotta try. we ll al be w you, every step o tha wayy.

t yu -- i wonder. can yu tell me whr we re now? at tha start? in tha middle? or re we endin? im a lil confusd. ife got a horrid feelin. smhow, i wish suddenly i aint gonn have any burfdae anytime soon. smhow i wish our 5th month wasnt gonn be next sat. smhow. i realise im not alone. but neither am i w yu. i know yu re happier this way. nd im happy for yu too. <(:3 really. study hard aiights. yu can give up on alot o other stuff, but yu musnt give up on yur studies. yu must push al tha way. i know yu can do it.

Mirror mirror lie to me
Show me what I wanna see
Mirror mirror lie to me

Why don't I like the girl I see
The one who's standing right in front of me
Why don't I think before I speak
I should have listened to that voice inside me
I must be stupid, must be crazy, must be out of my mind
To say the kind of things I said last night

Mirror mirror hanging on the wall
You don't have to tell me who's the biggest fool of all
Mirror mirror I wish you could lie to me
And bring my baby back, bring my baby back to me

Mirror mirror lie to me
Show me what I wanna see
Mirror mirror lie to me
Show me what I wanna see

Why did I let you walk away
When all I had to do was say I'm sorry
I let my pride get in the way
And in the heat of the moment I was to blame
I must be stupid, must be crazy, must be out of my mind
Now in the cold light of the day I realize

Mirror mirror hanging on the wall
You don't have to tell me who's the biggest fool of all
Mirror mirror I wish you could lie to me
And bring my baby back, bring my baby back to me

If only wishes could be dreams
And all my dreams could come true
There would be two us standing here in front of you
If you could show me that someone that I used to be
Bring back my baby, my baby to me

Mirror mirror hanging on the wall
You don't have to tell me who's the biggest fool of all
Mirror mirror I wish you could lie to me
And bring my baby back, bring my baby back to me

Mirror mirror lie to me
Mirror mirror lie to me
Show me what I wanna see
Mirror mirror lie to me

; promos prep. ):

2005-09-28T22:28:00.000-07:00

YTD.
anwys, i schoold late. (: crazyy. me izzie nd sab met up t go sch tgt. as we were walkin twards main gate, saw edward chew. our dear pe teacher. loll. izzie was damn funny pls. kept sayin 'eh, mr chew.' then i swear i was like damn blur cldnt see him at al. in e end when i saw him then zoom. 180 degrees turn t walk t e other main gate. hahahas. nd sab was laughin her head off. yes.

ooh anyways, aft school i stayd back w my matess t study till 6 cause mommy wantd me home for dinner. good girl right. nods nods please. (: (: (: anwys, i was BROKE. ): or so i thought. then ahmad was like pleadin w me t go get waffle nd i refusd cause i was broke nd din wanna spend money. (: (: in e end he say his treat. yayy. so happily, me sab nd him headd t tha canteen. nd then he was kachiaoin my wallet nd he found 30 bucks!. WOOHOOOO. (: (: nd i was damn happy cause got money! yayyy. (: daddy put in money nd din tell me. i got a nice dadde. (:

): sighh. din talk t baby much ytd thou. siann. now promos comin up like lesser nd lesser time spent w him, hardly talk t him anymore. ): its sad like. macham not rltd like that. ):

TDY
clap pple!. i SCHOOLD TDY AT NORMAL TIME. (: (: (: arent you just so proud o me? (: okayy. i was bein izzifyid tdy. (: yess. influencd by girlfriend you see. i miss her thou. she din school tdy. ): sighh. but had 4 periods lit tdy. WOOO. no gp!. (: (: (: rawks pls. (:

he s being weird. ): i dnte know whyie. ): i hope he gets back t norm. maybe its me. ): i dnte know. i dnte like things as they re like now. ): i miss my baby. ): oh wells. ): hope things get better. ):

t someone in A06 -- pretty disappointd when i saw what i saw that day. ): please dnte do it agn aiights. ): sighh. anythin can talk things out right. got us your friends t talk t. we ll al gonn be stickin w each other till next yr. cante rid us. c'mon. thrs much better ways aiights. i hope you do cheer up soon kayy.

; dnte give up .

2005-09-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

YTD.

i had an email conversation w this someone. nd somehow. i felt much better. thank you aiights. it seemd so cold nd heartless on one hand, but i likd its very truthfulness in it. its been quite awhile since i talkd t that someone nd yea. i guess that in this whole world, he s prolly gonn be tha only one who s gonn ever tell me whats tha truth. nd he s also gonn be tha only one who knows what everything s rlly bout. i guess. he knows me. inside out. sadly. thats whyie what he says hurt so much. but i listen cause its tha truth. so t you, you know who you re. nd just wanna say. il always be here. nd you owe me.

TDY.

yayy. (: my baby was damn nice. we met up for lunch at thai express. nd he was earllyy. (: (: then we headd t starbucks t studee. my baby was super cheeky tdy pls. shakes head. play a fool ahss. nd he laugh non stop while doing math for no specific reason. can you just believe it? . weird weird one. =/ nd he was scaring me pls. ): then dexter nd tha rest calld him go parkway but he still stayd w me. (: he s super sweet please. ilyumtyweb. (: yayy. (:

oh wells. nd he was sick too. ): ): got him LEMSIP. acc t him, it works. so pple out thr you shld try LEMSIP when you fe got flu or cold kayy. (: (: at least i din waste money. (: hmmms.

anwys, yayy. prolly gonn stay over at his place next fri t sat. (: then sat we may be cookin fer his family. (: (: yayy. fun funnn. so pootsie. (: cante wait.

it ll be our 5th month next sat. (: I THINK I KNOW WHAT T GET YU ALRDY. (: (:

things re rlly much much better right now. (: i guess we ve both made it through that rough time tgt ehs. al those tears nd crap that we ve both been doin t ourselves cause tha pain was so unbearable. i guess now we both know how much we mean t each other. its al over now. a new chapter for both o us t write tgt. nd we re gonn make it through no matter what. il hold on t yu tha way yu ll hold on t me. im not gonn give this up anymore. aft al our compromisin' here nd thr. its gonn be better. i feel yu w me.
this world belongs t yu nd me, baby.

whatever tha outcome is tmr, please dnte give up. like tha way yu scoldd me for wantin t give up half way when i alrdy was tryin so hard. il tell yu what yu told me. yu haven even tried it yet so yu wnte know. dnte lose this battle w/out even tryin. come on. i know yu can do it. i know yu can. but yu must know it too. yu must believe yu can do it too. i can believe in yu so im tryin t make yu believe in yurself. once yu believe in yurself yu ll be able t succeed. because o this, we ve quarreld so much, even experiencd times whr we were on tha verge o breakin up. but baby, we re still holdin on, still tgt, walkin' hand in hand. same thing sweetheart. yu may be wantin t give up. but dnte let it al go yet. perhaps its gonn be demoralisin, but so what. its not tha end yet. it dusnt even count. what matters now is that yu still have tha time. its not over yet. make tha best outta whatever time yu have now. i know yu aint got no more motivation. but yu gotta try. dnte let others that have faith in yu down. more importantly, dnte let yurself down. yu re always thr for me, encouragin me; likewise, il always be thr for yu, encouragin yu.
al tha way baby, its just mind oer matter.

; reunition .

2005-09-24T23:45:00.000-07:00

i hate eu* man, nd i always ll. but rmb that smhw, il always care for eu*. its for always. i wonder if eu* still take time off eur* busy schedule t take a glimpse at tha stars. they re pretty eu* know. they re very pretty. (: takkairs whr eu* re aiights.

; bad dayy.

2005-09-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

project work sucks. ):

studying sucks. ):

promo sucks. ):

i hate everything nd everyone now. ):

kayy. except maybe for a few pple. ):

but its so sad please. i cante believe he s leaving. ): nd then she ll be al alone. sucks la. you shldnt leave la. ): you re gonn break her heart. nd then you re gonn break your promises. i hate you la. ):

fuck la. everyone s breaking up now. ): its such an irritating sight. last time also got a period o time like this. ): sucks la. ): ): ):

acty i know that deep down both yu nd i have fears that we both carry on from tha past. know, tha way yu fear yet another regret, tha way i fear whats gonn happen aft i come back frm states. ): sighh. what yu msgd me at 3 plus am. yu said its gonn be no matter what. ): its another lie. ): its not gonn be tha same when yu get another girl. then she s gonn be yur baby. ): il hate her. i promise. hmph. ): yes. its just tha way yu hate him. il hate her too. ): mtyweb. sighh. i love yu. ):

; ponnin' school.

2005-09-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

ponnd school tdy. (: nd i realisd ALOT o other pple ponnd too!. (: fabian, stephh, luc nd these 2 other pple who i REFUSE t name out 'ere. (: yayyy. i <3>

im gonn' be meetin luc nd steph nd muh sis fer dinner too!. yayyy. (: happy pleaseee.

ooh, i passd muh math test please!. yayy. -claps. anwys, i was damn depressd bout math before i did TJ math promo '04 paper. A06, its a very encouragin' paper. its damn easy please!. lollll. (: (: yayy!. we can al do it!. its just for another 2 weeks! c'mon ya'll. (:

anwys, its effin' sad whenever someone leaves t study overseas. effy shit. ): i cant imagine what id do man, i mean, i wnte be able t see tha freaks, muh class, muh cousins, muh churchmates, nd my baby. ): suckss. but another part o me is so wantin t go. smth which i have never done before. its a pressing matter. mann.

its gonn be a stressd up last week before examss start. sigh. but i know he aint gonn do much t help. ): just like what i wrote in muh previous entry. tell me if what i said was wrong. please. show me that im wrong. ):

t val -- hey you. thanks for everything aiights. (: muh burfdae s on tha 13th!

t beckz -- hey you, il be ponnin school quite alot next week. call me out so we can go swimmin'! . (: love love.

t A06 girls -- hey you al, i loveee you!. but i wnte be able t head t watch movie w you al on monday cause gonn be catchin michael buble s concert. so sorrry deariess.

t that specific someone -- its very sad t have read what you wrote. nd im sorry you ve turnd out this way. its even worse t know that you acty go t church yet you re gloatin oer someone elses happiness. seriously, its disappointin'. i was angry nd hurt when i read what you wrote but il not be as low as you as t go write al those mean stuff. its rlly a disgrace in my opinion t yourself. check yourself.

; deja vu .

2005-09-22T16:53:00.000-07:00

i saw him tdy. i say my baby tdy. nd when i was in his arms it was a very sad feeling for me. i felt so sad. nd then thr were tears. but he didnt know. i dnte know whyie im so afraid o tellin him hw i rlly feel. i feel like im just not on tha same level as him. one day he s here. next day he s gone. i dnte know hw t feel. hw am i spposd t react. i dnte know whyie he even bothers askin for my opinion anymore. whats tha point when what i say dnte matter. i miss him. but i dnte think he s ever gonn come back. i usd t think that things were so fine. but only come t realise now that they werent. al this avoidin nd escapin stuffs tyme nd again. its not good. its not right. but i dnte want t try solve em anymore. i feel so. just so tird? so il gotta apologise t him. firstly for not tellin' him anythin'. secondly for not wantin t keep tryin. everytime we seem t wanna try, its always only for a while. then everythin just disintegrates into smth i dnte even know anymore. i miss my baby. ): nd he s not gonn come back. ):

t sab -- girl, you gotta pull yourself tgt. promos re comin' up. you dnte wanna let this affect your studies aiigths. hugss. rmb what you wrote in your posties t me? yes, always rmb your own words. if you wanna cry, you can spend tha whole day cryin'. its okayy. but when you re done w your tears you better come up stronger. dnte dwell in it, dnte pity yourself. i know it al sounds so easy t be done. but its not. you fe got your friends. me, may, nd tha rest o tha gurls. sweetie, you ll pass thru this stage just like we al did. dnte ever forget that you re not alone. <3

t yu -- im ever so sorry. ): i just dnte know whr yure. ife searchd everywhr but it seems like yure nt ever gonn' come back. i love yu baby.

; crashh .

2005-09-22T02:18:00.000-07:00

im doing smth wrong. ): nd i know thrs only one soln out. ): nd this soln is smth which i know il regret. ): but it seems tt nths ever gonn' change. ): i know cause one cante change another. its like enforcin' my own perception o things on someone else which is totally wrong.

i know whr things shld be. i know how yure treatin' me. i know how much yu re impt t me. nd im not impt t yu. i know how much il put in for yu, hopin that in some way yu d do tha same back for me. but i also know il never get anything back. i know whr i stand in yur life. i do know. nd al yu say bout mtyweb, mann. stop lying t me. ): its super obvious its such a blatent lie id rather yu just keep quiet. thou things always seem alright on tha surface but they re rlly not deep within. but yu dnte know, do yu? tha time s nearin. whr we al gotta face up t tha truth. ): nd i know il regret it but i dnte got no choice. im not a happy girl. im rlly not a happy girl. ife been hurtin. nd its been buildin. it was wrong right from tha start. yu shld have never come o'er that night. i shld have never said anythin' t yu right from tha start. it was al wrong. just so wrong. it spoilt everythin'. now im just taken fer grantd. yu dnte say anythin' but i know. its that feelin.

yu dnte even care much anymore. rmb before anythin btw us i told yu before when guys want girls they ll do anythin' t have em. but when they have tha girls alrdy story changes. rmb what yu told me in reply? sighh. i was a fool t believe yu. yu re not who i thought yu were. yu re not tha one i fell for. i dnte know who yu re so i dnte know hw t love yu. i dnte know who yu re so i dnte know if its right t care.

i hate yu, yu fuckin' liar, bastard. yu better bring back my baby back t me, i miss my baby nd i want him back. period. yu better bring tha guy i love a few months back. or i swear il make yur life fuckin miserable. dnte forget im tha one who makes yur life super special so see if i cante make yur life like fuck.

----------------------------

was feelin' down nd my personal diary caught my eye. i pickd it up nd scannd thru a few pgs. then i saw. what i shldnt have seen. ): which just only made things alot worse.

extract from 050703 entry -- ... i feel like talkin t him now. i miss him? hmmm. he's been on my mind a lot these days. its weird. its like i feel i hardly know him but i know quite alot bout him and i want t know more. i just talkd t him a few min ago. but i want t talk t him now. i dnte want t stop thinkin o him ...
another extract from 060703 -- ... i fell aslp nd woke at 12. he calld. (: i was super happy please. nd talkd t him till 5 in tha morn. (: im gonn' meet him later! cant wait. it was a wonderful talk w him ...

switchd off tha lights, nd then i saw it shinin' brightly. tha glow in tha dark ink we bought long ago, yea. we usd it t write on muh wall rmb. (: it still shines brightly. its as if you re always arnd. thou i know now youve gone so far i dnte even know whr. it was a wise decision t leave, come t think o it, you were much better off wout me. hope you re doin' fine whrever you re. <3.

you gave me tha best times. you just knew hw t do it. i always felt i ownd tha world when you were arnd. (: but i was naive nd i din know hw t treasuer you.

--------------------

luc -- dnte worry aiights. (: everythins gonn be aiights. nd say a lil prayer. see you fri.

jon -- irritatin, got no sch good la. hmphhhh. (: (: (: lollll. il meet up w you sm time aft my exams.

snoopy's dadde -- take care aiights. rmb what i told you last time? its for always. i still got tha key you made. 060703

my baby -- i miss yu. ): yufe gone for so long. thrs no one t wipe my tears away now. re yu comin' back soon? ll yu come back for christmas like yu promisd? even if yu left whyie din yu say bye t me one last time? ife been a very sad girl. he's been makin' me very sad ever since yu left. he's been breakin' my heart time nd again. he's been makin' me cry in my sleep every night. he's been hurtin' me. i hate him. nd im gonn' make his life fuck if he continues. ): ll yu come back soon please. ):

; work it .

2005-09-20T22:49:00.000-07:00

YTD.
it was a COOL DAY LA PLS. lolll. JAMES DECLARD HIS LOVE FOR NORAINI. or so tha whole class says except from him. (: hahahhas. funny pls!.

oh. i had a conversation w fabbiannn. nd he calld me retardd. wth!.
F: wha lao those girls sound like they re havin' sex.
me: no lor. sex whr got so loud one.
F: how you know sex not so loud.
me: cause if so loud then thr ll be pple complainin' t tha police every night of noise pollution.
F: retardd know you.
yes. nd he laughd for quite some time. CRAZY. (: but its true lorhhhh!.

okae. then i travelld t meet my baby. (: (: (: i owed him la. nd that joker. he din pass up his case study at al cause he din do. cause he said it was damn hard. okae. hugss. dnte worry. (: he was studyin STATISTICS at siglap w alex nd dexter nd eunice nd this other girl. hmmm. then we headd t 7-11 t grab some stuff. he's superrr small boy please!. he saw ice cream for $1 then his eyes open big big. then he startd eatin nd his eyes shine bright bright. ahahhs. small boy right? shakess headd.

anwys, did PW by conferencin. MADNESS I TELL YOU. al o em calld my hp. see told you PW s bad for health.

had a talk w jos. hmms. finally things feel just right. just fine. just. normal. for once. il rmb your words. so you better mean what you said.

TDY.
(: i miss my babyy. i haven seen him for one day. pout. ALAN OWES ME $1.50 + $30 PLS!. (: (: yayyy. il be rich soon. nd he s free this week cause he just finsh`d prelims. (: welllll doneeee. okaeee. ife had a tirin day. but a happy one. cause i DIN go t sch tdy. (: but that means i gotta go sch myself tha whole o this week. ): sucks la.

PLEASE DL PLAY BY DAVID BANNER. hot shit. (:

; FUCK IT .

2005-09-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

i swear im at a lost la. fuck this whole shit. its always like this right. nothing s ever gonn change right. always talk it out seems t be okae but in e end its just yur stupid lies ife been believin. al yur shit and fuck and bringin me down, ife been takin' it in `nd swallowin it down. im fuckd up alrdy. yu keep pushin my limit. nd im breakin' down. ife never ever felt so fuckd up before. al i wanna do everyday is kill tha pain. but im so afraid o yu disappointin' me agn. DNTE YU EVER FEEL YU DISAPPOINTIN YURSELF? ife got my promos comin up as well. but still i make time for yu. i wait for yur call so yu d be free. nd even if im not free il still answer tha phone nd talk t yu. im tryin my best t accomodate w yur timings. re yu doin tha same for me? i fall aslp in tha aftnoon so when yu re up at night studyin yu wldn feel alone. so i can try my best t stay up w yu till yu re done w yur studyin. so when yu feel like givin up i can be thr for yu t encourage yu. but what tha fuck. its just not enough for yu right. whenever yu re w em fine, i dnte say much also. yu get yur way. but when yu do smth yu shldnt do. what do yu expect me t feel bout em!? my god. yur pushin nd pullin. yur wantin things t be so perfect for yu. yur screwin up my life. im so tird so fuckin tird of this shit alrdy. i give so much but yu dnte even appreciate this. my mind s super pre occupid w this. yea, this feelin im SURE yufe NEVER felt before. when have i ever causd yu t worry. when have i ever made yu feel like shit. i try so badly t be happy. even fuck up a facade just t pull it off just so yu wnte worry. but what do i get in return? this is tha worst wkend o my life. tha WORST. thanks t yu. yu nd yur shit. SCREW IT ok. YU RE MAKIN ME HATE EM MORE THAN I EVER HAVE. i askd him t make sure yu dnte drink or smoke but yu still do. FUCK. yu say yu wantd t tell me ages before but i only met yu before sch. now tell me what bout that day when i headd al tha way dwn t outram nd waitd w yu super long so yu cld see tha dentist. yu din even fuckin tell me anythin. ITS A MIRACLE HW YU CAN WAIT SO LONG. DUSNT YUR CONSCIENCE EVER GET T YU?! know what, i wnte even fuckin pretend or try t get along w em anymore. I GIVE UP aiights. ife been puttin up w this for super fuckin' long, now i dnte know what t do anymore. im tryin nd failin like fuck. and as if thr was any encouragement from yu. since day one. yu know ife ONLY EVER RECEIVD ONE NICE THANK YU FROM YU. JUST ONE. ND I ALSO RECEIVD MANY SORRIES. I DNTE EVEN THINK YU MEAN ANY O EM RIGHT NOW. yu only keep makin' me feel like a miserable fuckin pathetic soul. FUCKIN GAVE UP ON PRIDE ND EVERYTHIN JUST FOR YU. in e end yu only disappoint me AGAIN. how many times is this. WHO DO YU THINK I AM. IM NOT SOME FUCKIN' GIRL YU CAN TAKE UP ONLY FOR STATUS SAKE AIIGHTS. if thats yur plan fuckin go get another bitch.

yu never took me srisly, i was just this play thing al along.

; strugglin' .

2005-09-18T00:55:00.000-07:00

it was spposd t be a damn funn night ytd. i was spposd t be tremendously happy. things were spposd t be al so perfect. what could be better than spendin it w tha people i love. esp since he was goin' t be thr too.

but sadly i guess God playd me agn. i dnte know. it was one of tha worst nights ytd. i mean company was real good. but thr were certain truths that i found out too that were rlly difficult t bear, nd i endd up strugglin t put up a good show, make everything seem right, hold back tears nd al.

i was trying. ife always been trying. but i seem to be failing. i dnte know. i thought that aft last night tha whole thing wld be over. but i endd up feeling lost bout it tdy. so tha cause of his fall was because of me. if i din say anythin that day and he din walk away too he wldnt have done it. i dnte know what t do. i seem t be always at fault. and i try and try t make things right. even if im sad i try t be happy. hide everything. i mean its his prelims. i got no right now t screw things up fer him. but it dusnt mean he can screw things up fer me now does it.

the worst thing that i can ever feel and know is that despite being tgt w yu. i realise that im acty alone, al alone. i feel alone. i feel that its only me. nd yu re a totally different league from me. i feel insecure.

i realise im always frequently caught up w thinkin bout our past. tha good times we had w each other. and it scares me how yu fe changd so much. it scares me too that im always thinkin o tha past cause it seems like everything s just gonn vanish soon.

id do anythin t make things back t norm. id even let yu win in yur game.

--------------------------

i wish she was here t talk t. i wish she cld help me agn. it ll be the 3rd time. i rlly need her right now. ): im lost, tird and losing it. and its not gonn be long till things happen agn.

t marc ada stephh luc rese -- guys im real sorry ya. i just had t get off, personal reasons. im really sorry you guys.

; its not easy t be who i am .

2005-09-14T23:44:00.000-07:00

ife been feeling super tir`d these few days. come home t grab slp so i can wake up `nd stay up. bullshit reasons re given la. i dnte even know whyie im doin this. ... i only know im not sure if its al worth it too.

wednesdays re tirin' thou its short day for me. startin' w econs, endin w 4 periods of ms lam. not that she s bad la. she s damn nice la. but her lessons v drainin', must think alot. `nd perhaps too that im dead beat. i dnte know.

anwys, head`d t SGH tdy w him t see his dentist. its crazy effin' INEFFICIENT SERVICE. wait`d super long just t collect ONE SYRINGE. can anyone EFFIN' BELIEVE IT. WTF la. hospitals these days ought t be shot. . `nd when i went thr i saw tha door. it was exactly similar t tha one i had t walk in t see my grandma when she died. i hate hospitals. effin' shit ass places.

i now uds whyie ife been feelin' bias`d against em. its NOT 'em at al. `nd i dnte think its me either. i feel its tha way u portray yurself in front o 'em `nd in front o tha rest o us. its super different. think o it this way. if u act tha same in front o em `nd in front o tha rest o us. i wnte feel that way. u know how i feel w ur class pple. i dnte feel that way, `nd im NOT indifferent t all yur friends. u know that too.
if ure tha same person everywhr it wnte matter t me. ur small actions when ure w em. i swear im disgust`d t see 'em. its as if u fear their comments. fear they dnte accept u. im disappoint`d. rlly. i just us`d t think u as someone totally different frm tha person i know now. its just not nice t know tha truth.
u know who u re. please. do some reflection. i dnte think i can carry on w this knowledge. its heavy on tha mind. `nd tha way u always give me tha emotional rollercoaster. its so violent i swear il break down frm it one day. u saw what u saw tdy. u dnte know what rlly goes on in my mind, u dnte know hw i feel. i dnte know hw t express em t u as well. i cante blame anyone except myself so i end up this way. im sorry. i just have difficulty `nd fear in explainin' things t u again.
its not easy t be who i am.

; sch sucks .

2005-09-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

its tha first week o school. ): tuesday. `nd it sucks alrdee. rawhss!.

anwys, tha only fun thing that happen`d so far s PE. (: we play`d soccer `nd capt ball! NO running at al!. (: (: (: so far. sighh.

hmmms. he's got prelims this wk. ): sucks ahhs. but i like him. he's been rllllly nice t me. thou he's busy he dnte forget me!. `nd every mornin' he dusnt make me wait anymore! our bus trips t school s much more fun too!. its not tha cold silences anymore.

ooh. ariff (my pri schmate) rawks pls!. my com's got this stupid probbie whr i cante manage t dl certain resources. `nd i was tryin' desperately t get tha EOM format. he sent t me! yayyness. (: (: THANKS ARIFF.

i bought CLEO tdy cause they had free haircut t al CLEO readers at urban hair, heeren in oct. (: `nd i was plannin' t get a haircut. hmmm. revamp. loll. save money. ANYONE T HEAD T TOWN W ME THEN PLS!? (: (:

yayy!. becks `nd rach jie re plannin' t go michael buble s concert! yayy yayyy!. i wanna go tooooo. (: `nd izzie may be goin' too!. i cante wait kayyy. he s damn goood. (: (: (:

i cante wait till my bdae. (: (: (: <3

happy blat`d burfdaee ahmad `nd harvey!. (: (: (:

Love can be a many splendored thing
Can't deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales

It'll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind
It'll fool ya every time

[chorus]
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride

The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you've got no say at all

Now I was once a fool it's true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world’s a deeper blue
I'm sadder but I'm wiser too

I swore I'd never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn’t worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

[chorus]

Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin'
And I keep on fallin'
Over and over again
This sad story always ends the same
Me standin' in the pourin' rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

[chorus]

ife got a bad feelin' bout a certain smth. its only 4 months but i feel so close. tha times when either o us walks away, tha pain s strong enough t kill. `nd we somehow always make it up. but... :(

; happy burfdae ma ma.

2005-09-11T16:06:00.000-07:00

its my grandma s burfdae tdy. hope she s doing fine up thr. happy burfdae. i love you.

; :( .

2005-09-11T15:29:00.000-07:00

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

:( :( :( :( :(

the number o unsmiley faces represent smth. do yu rmb?

; missin' him .

2005-09-11T14:38:00.000-07:00

i miss him . now . then . later . everytime . its hard acceptin tha fact bout what happen`d . im missin' him . ): `nd im a very sad girl .

every few seconds yu look at yur phone wishin' for a msg frm him . yu re always slippin' in `nd outta yur work , wonderin' what he s doin' . i wish he d come . i wish i cld see him now . i wish he d give a surprise .

i wish .

i love yu.

; himm .

2005-09-11T10:38:00.000-07:00

yu know i didnt mean what i said. yu know deep down within yu im tha one who supports yu tha most. at least i hope yu know. do yu? even aft al these times yu dnte? then i must have failed at that. im very sorry. im so sorry that my remark made yu walk away. that my remark made us vanish. im so sorry that we werent strong enough t hold on. rmb yu said yu wld pick me up if i were too tir`d t walk w yu? but yu left. `nd when yu did that i was just left stndin' thr al by myself lost. i hoped yu felt good as yu left. i hoped yu felt super happy. but if yu re sad right now, give 'em al t me. il exchange my happiness for yur sadness. its been a long while since ife seen yu happy. thou we both always tell each other we re. re we rlly feelin' that way deep inside?

when yu fe got tha tyme please pause awhile `nd think o me. i promise il think o yu too. when yu need someone please rmb im here. i promise il look for yu when i need someone too. when yu wanna lay back `nd kick tha world yu re in please call me along. i promilse il do tha same. when yu re tired o puttin' up a strong front thou yu re hurtin `nd cryin' deep down, please come find me, yu nvr know but i may just as well be feelin tha say way too. when yu feel unloved anywhr, i promise il be thr lovin yu.

; its fridae .

2005-09-10T00:05:00.000-07:00

YESTERDAY.

he s sweet. he came my hse in tha mornin' `nd pass`d me tha cake he made. love love!. i went out w him ytd. (: head`d t townn `nd got some tattoos done. :) yes. i feel yu bro! i feel yu! (: he just had some tooth taken out. poor thing. ): but ahs. yu ll get better soon aiights? hee. it was funnyy pls!. he was eatin' SUPER SLOWLY pls!. `nd even I ATE FASTER THAN HIM. [[: first timeeee!. beamssss. then we head`d t our chillout spot at cine. i swear that place rawks. YOU JUST GOTTA TRY THEIR COOKIES `ND CREAM DRINK. its tha best pls!. (: `nd i was an rmb soul ytd. i kept havin loadsaa rmb in my mind pls. rawhss!. yu may be wnderin' alot aft ytd. yups. if yu ask il tell yu.

ooh. saw rj ruggers their too. `nd I SAW MARK TAN PLS. I WASNT DAO LA PLS. I JUST SAW YOU EATIN' AND EATIN' AND EATIN'. pooot you la. grinssss. but you fe grown bigger. ... :) grinss.

TODAY.

I LOVE STEPH `ND SHE LOVES ME. (: yayy! we took a picture in my phonee. `nd its set as my screen pic noww. i love her. she rawkss. grinssss.

luc -- i uds. its a once you start you cant stop thing. HAVE FUN AIIGHTS!. grinss grinss. sneaky smile.

rod -- thanks bro!. [[: good session.

i swear thr were 3 guys on tha MRT tdy who were utterly pissin' me off. STARE WHAT STARE. NEVER SEE PRETTY GIRL BEFORE IS IT. _l_ GO SCREW YOURSELVES LA.

see. thats whyie its nice goin out w alan. he s supremely beeg, you wldnt wanna mess w me. (: hearttt.

yu say yu ll be my sugar pie
wnte ever make me cry
say yur love fer me aint a lie
that tha burnin' flame ll never die

but baby ll yu hold me tight
ll yu always be in ma sight
guidin me when thr aint no light
lovin' me even when we fight

sweetie pie i do believe
in what yu say `nd in what yu give
but can yu promise yu ll never leave
`nd give me ma space so i can breathe

yu say yu want me that yu need me
say im tha only one w tha key
back al that t you sweetie
but they re al words as words can be

; ALIVE `ND LOUD .

2005-09-04T00:25:00.000-07:00

update bout ALIVE `ND LOUD. [[: [[:

everyone was pretty psych`d up. full o energy. chill `nd cool at first but tha music overtook us. once you feel it, it gets you goin'. soon al o us were jumpin' up `nd down, movin' w tha beat `nd singin' along. it was fabz. every one was pretty dress`d cause had mass before that `nd tha band, st. pats peeps were al thr supportin' em. cute sia, tha way we din know who was in front or back but al o us were doin' tha same thinggs. lolll. i swear i had a hell funn time. tha bands were rlly groovin' things up `nd it felt damn good. deejayy class (klass)? was thr as well. hmmms. ahss, love love.

head`d t mackers t chill aft that w stephh `nd rod. plannin' for next week s session. i saw a guy frm sji. his piercin' was damn hot i swear. lolll. i need go fer piercings pls!. anyone who wants too gimme a ringg!. 9------3. grinss.

i saw him too. `nd im sure he saw me cause when he did he immediately turn`d away. damn. like rod said, i mean i thought it was long ago affair mann. i thought things shld be back t norm. its just weird now. everythings al weird. it shldnt be this wayy. we us`d t be so close mann. ahs. this is just wrong mann. its al wrong.

`nd i realis`d that pple like jon a. they aint as bad as they look mann. he's an arsehooole. but he cares. jerkk. acts tough acts thou he dnte give no shit. but he does.
HHAHHAHAHA. JON CARES BOUT ME. GRINS GRINS GRINS.
loll. im gonn' get screw`d upp. smirkss.

`nd t this specific person; you know, we can well say alot o things here `nd thr. but deep dwn we dnte mean nothin'. we can say that everything s al been forgotten that it dnte matter much but you know they cante be eras`d. sometimes we just say it al t let tha other think we dnte give a damn. but deep dwn we care more than anyone else. ahs. confusin'. dnte think you get it. but i care. I DO FUCKIN' CARE. il just miss you al o'er agn.

; friendship .

2005-09-03T12:15:00.000-07:00

its sad that i cante get both o you back tgt. its also sad that you both wnte even try t talk things out. al i can say now is that i hope both o you re much better off tha way you re right now.

-----------------------

ife come t realise that i am very strict w myself bout tha meanin' of friends `nd acquaintances. `nd then thr re those few who come into my life for a small period o time but mean alot t me even aft they ve left.

truthfully speaking, i find it hard t make friends. somehow wantin' t put a barrier thr t protect myself. guess its not easy seeing beyond the surface, reading between the lines. ife had pple say im a v indirect person. ife also had pple say im a v sarcastic person. `nd they can say so much bout me, spread so many things about me w/out even knowin how true that is. they dnte know me so i dnte have t care bout what they say. like dom once said, "it's alright. let half the world hate you and the other half to love you."

then thr re those who know me well, seen both sides o me, been thru tha ups `nd downs w me `nd have been standin' by me in everything. the bond of truth and honesty thou we have never crossed tha lines do hurt at times. but i guess they do make us a better person. `nd when one loses a friend like that, it somehows feels alright at tha start, like it dnte matter. but aft some time you feel a sudden loss in your life.

-----------------------

the freaks. [[:
thank you. always in my heartt.

the rciy peeps. [[:
i love you ll.

cousins. [[:
my strength, my comfort.

snoopy s dadde [[:
thank you. you re tha sweetest, most udstndin person ife ever met. 060703.

ezruhh [[:
you ve shown me e other side o this world `nd stuck by me when he left `nd when she passed away. heartt.

daoshan [[:
yu brought me outta the past into the future. perhaps not a significant figure anymore. but hey i want yu t know il always always always ALWAYS be here for yu. `nd il never turn my back against yu. deep down i wanna always lie t myself sayin that it ll never happen again but i guess aft everything, i know now that il never be the one who can change yu, neither ll i be tha one yu turn t when things happen. yu re right. its your life now. but always rmb il always be that lil' cushion when you fall down, il always be that lil' person arnd tha corner when tha world s too much for yu t handle `nd il always be lil' shinin' star o yours when things get dark for yu.

; its a start.

2005-09-01T11:08:00.000-07:00

i hate seein' my class this way. i hate seein' both o you like this. not speakin t each other. thinkin' nothin' o each other s existence. but who am i t have these sorta feelings if you guys dnte even care right? `nd if you guys truly say `nd feel you dnte care `nd al, then whats w bloggin' bout each other? ... you guys have some unfinish`d business t settle. so do it. sit down `nd talk it out. whats tha pt o bloggin when it ll only cause so much more assumptions `nd misudstndins `nd al. `nd even if you guys rlly wanna end this 5 yr friendship then end it on a clear note. end it proper. dnte do this kinda wishy washy endin whr both o you have an unclear udstndin' bout what tha other person s rlly thinkin' `nd feelin' `nd just have a distinct dislike for each other. ... yea, both o you prolly feel i dnte know how this whole mess feels. but i do --

that guy s someone dear t me. but cause o some misconception i had while readin' his blog i defend`d myself (which is what both o you re doin' right now) `nd things only got worse. but he put in e effort t call agn `nd agn `nd agn. yet i refus`d t pick up. `nd tha insults got worse `nd worse. finally we both end`d this whole friendship thingg. yea. its a loss. my loss. but i guess i deserve it cause i din bother t do anythin' bout it. stupid thingg t be writin bout my mistake 'ere but if it helps both o you, i dnte see why not.

so listen up. a true friend is hard t get. so dnte lose touch. you nvr know when you need each other agn. `nd dnte even think e above s some kinda sympathy note for him cause its not. he s no longer readin' up `nd im no longer among someone in his contact list. `nd you guys ll both be classmates till next yr. its gonn' be a long while. both o you re in tha same cca too. so c'mon. give each other a break. sit down, talk it out. both o you can avoid each other for a while. but you cant do it for long. rmb it takes two hands t clap. so BOTH o you better wake up `nd put in e effort.

our class is small enough w 17 pple, `nd im workin' on gettin class unity. so both o you better work smth out.

rmb we re alrdy small `nd if we get any smaller, thr wnte be no more class.

-------------

j -- okae. i got you. you re happy w her. i wnte say anythin' against it anymore.[: im happy for you. really. everyone s got their own pardner now, everyone s nvr gonn' be alone. [: seems al so perfect.

song s for you.

It's hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right

And after all the obstacles
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool
I know we're cool

We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain

Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown, oh
We have changed but we're still the same
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool
I know we're cool

Yeah, I know we're cool

And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles
And now we're hanging out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool
I know we're cool

C-cool, I know we're cool
I know we're cool

; love muh capt`.

2005-08-29T21:15:00.000-07:00

blablabla. `nd eu* just go on `nd on. lolll. they say t let a fool kiss eu* is stupid, t let a kiss fool eu* is worse. `nd i totally agree that im worse than stupid in this case.

anwys, ife had a depressin' day. but thanks t bestie `nd his class, it rlly brighten`d muh dayy. [[: thanks so much t ya'll. love love!.

okae. 05A06 --> class meetin' tmr or fri aft school. pls attend. thankss. issues t be taken care o ll be
1. teachers day stuff
2. class jersey design
3. collection o moneyy

also, i guess i rlly got alot o thanks t be given t muh captain. thanks alot for that 38 min yu spent at tha foyer tdy hearin' me out `nd givin me advices. i guess when i was at tha point o just givin' up this whole thing yu stepp`d in `nd chang`d it for me. mr 5 in 1 guy, yu ownn. love.

; i love ling .

2005-08-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

oooooooooooooooh!. GUESS WHO CALL`D THIS MORNING AT ONE!. [[: [[: [[:

LING DID!. oh mannn!. [[: [[: [[: happy~shalalala~. [[: how great s that mann! i mean i swear it felt sooooo good just hearin' her. hahhahas. love love love love loveeee! `nd tha cussiess re gonn' be catchin' harry porter tgt agn!. [[: [[: [[: i swear it feels damn good. but when she s back, we ll be in tha stateeess!. grrr. goin' t tha states this yr, grr. it rlly dnte feel nice. i mean srisly if we cld just cancel out SF in our schedule, we cld easily gain back 4 days in sg!. time t think o a plan. hmmmmmmms.

i realise thou that this dec hol means a hell lot t me. it ll be tha time ling gets back. she's been gone fer a yr!. `nd that suckssss. okae. also it ll be tha tyme alan `nd i ll get t share some nice relaxin' tyme tgt. w al our busy schedules `nd al. man, its been a long tyme since we had a good chat.

ahhs.

HAPPY BURFDAE PIA RESE ONG!. [[: [[: love loveee!.

i realise too that what pple say re not meant t be taken seriously. they just say t make you feel good for that instant. so now eu*re callin', i rlly dnte see a need t talk w eu*. cause al il be hearin' ll be lies agn, eu*ve always done that t me, woahh. a feel good for a instant chat `nd misery that follows. i know it only too well. loll. eu*ve given me too many disappointments alrdy `nd i dnte think i shld care bout eur* life too. eu*ve got eur* rights. plus, i know hw its like t be restrict`d in doin' this `nd that. oh yea, i know it only too well. eu* taught me that feelin'. so just take care o eurself* ehss. eu* know tha sayin', "it al just runs in tha familyyy". loll.

; saddness .

2005-08-25T23:30:00.000-07:00

i read smth i shldn have. tha tymes eu* call`d, i was thr al along aware eu* were callin'. i just din know hw t answer tha phone. eu* wldn uds anythin' bout it anymore. cause eu*fe gone too far away. take care thou. al tha best w her. we both knew things wld have end`d up this way; we were just lyin' t ourselves.

; it was s'ppose t be happy.

2005-08-24T22:54:00.000-07:00

izzieee is a sweetieee. [[: yayness! we did our lit thingg!. [[: love love lovee!

anwys, dnte think il be able t head t tha ssc overseas tripp. deb jie's gettin' marri`d to kenneth kor on tha 27th. then ll most prolly be leavin fer tha states on tha 28th. LA --> LV --> SF. hmmms. not excit`d. pretty norm acty. wonderss. i must be growin' upp.

had land trng tdy. combin`d. it was funn!. yayy. we finally un-gym`d. [[: loveliess. i feel super accomplish`d `nd prepar`d for tha aches tmr. hahahhas. yayy yayy yayy!. im a happy girll. [[: [[:

gotta studdy alrdy. no time. sighh. must jia you everyonee! [[: lovess!.

`nd eu*. eu* re just doin' al this shit t me on purpose right? makin' me feel like crap. eu* re doin' a great job. losin' al contact w me `nd then writin' down al tha fuck al so indirectly. al talks `nd cocks bout everything in eur* life. eu* re just too arrogant. kiss my arsee.

whyie re yu so insensitve? whyie do yu always have t hurt me time `nd again? whyie do yu not even know whr yu went wrong? whyie do yu always bring me down, make me feel so lousy in comparison t yu? whyie do yu always deny when i talk bout yu? whyie do yu always push me away emotionally `nd always pull me close physically? whyie do yu make me love `nd hate yu at tha same time?

yu re tha one who s bringin' this split personality o mine in again. but yu just dnte realise it.

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

; listen .

2005-08-24T00:28:00.000-07:00

blablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablabla.

SHUT UP .

people talk too much. they just talk `nd talk `nd talk. they need t learn t SHUT UP `nd LISTEN. its so noisy. everywhr i go i hear people talking. everyone wants t talk, no one listens. it just goes on `nd on `nd on. im tryin' t speak too. but no one hears me. no one s botherin' t listen.

HUSH. hush now baby.

please hush. yu re hurtin' me. yu dnte hear it. but take a look. it may show. yur insentivity breaks me. im not the kindaa girl that yu can pass yur tokens o love w occasional hugs, kisses, 'i-love-yu's. im tha kindd who needs yu t listen. `nd respond. yur anger speaks a thousand words even thou yu just keep quiet `nd look away, yu re breakin' my heart. yur sadness speaks a million hurtin' words `nd i hurt for yu. yur pain makes me crumble `nd give in t yu. pretend t be happy when im not. ife learnt t keep this within myself. i dnte know what else t do. dnte know whyie im even tryin' my best t make yu happy.

im a sad girl. im not that happy girl i once was. i tri`d t be happy, but im not. i gotta tell yu this 'ere only cause i cante bear t say it face t face `nd see yu sad. it kills.

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me
I can see us dying...are we?

I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good

Don't,
Don't, uh-huh
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

hush baby. shh darlin'. shh...

** HAPPY BELAT`D BURFDAE CHERYL. [[:

; shh.

2005-08-22T16:26:00.000-07:00

he s sleepin'.

im sittin'.

he never sees tha tears.

he s sleepin'.

im talkin'.

he never hears tha words.

he s right.

`nd so am i.

this dec. hol ll come `nd pass. but thr ll be loadsa tears. just like sayin' bye `nd bye agn.

goodnight sweetheart.

; movin' on.

2005-08-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

hahh. this is for you to read. yes you. because you need`d some entertainment in your life. loll. grinss.

anwys, school this week has been normal. its like really normal. went on smoothlyy. like WOAH. yesss. i went home early EVERY SINGLE DAY THIS WEEK!. -clapss handss!. [[: [[: went home slept, woke up, studi`d, tv`d, slept. thats my life this whole week. i feel super fufil`d. [[: [[: esp ytd nd tha day before. [[: doing essays every day. i even bother`d t stay up till 3 in tha morn just t get my lit essay done!. [[: melissa is a good girl. -nodsss.

okae. besides that i went t jia ming's housee!. [[: [[: his house is tha ultimate area t chill i swear. games 'ere nd thr. nice comfy beds, good books. [[: [[: still rmb tha slpoer before db nats. hahahs. BUT JACK JIAMING ND ALAN MADE ME WALK TO JIAMING'S HOUSE!. HMPH. walk under tha hot sunnn. POUT. `nd i had to WALK UP THA STAIRCASE to jiaming's house. shock`d. yes. i did alot o exercise that dayy. loll.

im sick TODAY. sighhs. tha flu s catchin up t everysingle person in tha world. it ought t be shot. ]]: ]]: cheer me up w some hot pepsi w lemon pls!. [[: [[:

ooh. `nd i got scold`d too. i mean. sighh. whats his problem. cante he just talk nicely t me? then after scoldin' me he told me smth. ... that totally made me in an awkward position. like wtf la. __

marilyn manson s book has fascinat`d me. got me addict`d once i start`d readin it. thrs this part o tha book, "i've seen my own death in dreams mlike this and it's helped me appreciate life more. i've also seen my own life in dreams and it's helped me appreciate death more." it's so true isn't it. ... he's a fuckin' good writer i swear.

went tchurch ytd too. bro mike inspir`d me. i mean what he said bout thingss. like how problems which re so simple, re made more complex by us causin' misunderstandings. `nd usually pple who intepret these problems happen t be those pple lost `nd insecure about 'emselves. he also told us bout our past, present `nd future. smth which would be nice t share w those willin' t hear `nd give it a try. SO I SHALL STOP WRITING ANYMORE O HIS SPEECH. IF YOU WANNA GIVE IT A SHOT YOU LL ASK ME.

i saw jon `nd henri on some vids i think. ... wonder how they ever end`d up like that. shock`d. truthh. ]]: pple change i guess.

you sorta just plan your own fate. you choose. t either move on `nd forgive `nd forget. or hold on t your pain, anger, hurt. ife been doin' tha latter these past 16 and a 1/2 yrs. `nd its gonn' change. maybe thats whyie i feel so much better now. happier too. dnte hang on t whats only gonn' bring you down, hold you back, repress you. climb outta it, wake up. you're no longer in tha past mann. you re in tha present. `nd you gotta bloody look forward t tha future which has "endless possibilities". its up t you.

credits t Brother mike.

; hate bein' disappoint`d .

2005-08-12T01:17:00.000-07:00

i hate disappointments. i hate it when people raise your hopes so fuckin' high then shatter 'em. i hate it when people dnte mean what they say. they shldn have fuckin' said it. dnte say you re gonna do any shit when you know deep down you arent. dnte talk as if everything s super confirm`d when they re not cause if everything changes you ll be lettin someone down. who the fuck do you think i am, someone you can test your level of emotions on? if you do, screw you, you just dnte have tha fuckin' balls t live up t your own words. at least show some dignity t yourself, dnte keep lyin' t yourself. that s awfully sorrowful.

I PITY YOU. __

----------

i miss ling. i wish she were 'ere. times like this i rlly feel tha need t talk t someone. `nd she s always tha one i can relate t. i miss her. x(

i wish He'd clear my thoughts for me. im feelin' so rough`d up. have been for dayss. its like everythings just comin' blow by blow `nd i dnte have a choice but t accept it. yea. i know im runnin' away from it. i can literally feel it. i had t keep talkin t Him. it was the only way t get things off my mind, get down t doin' work. but He's just so amazin'. always arnd no matter what givin you tha strength that you need. He just always never fails t provide you with what you want.

__ you just say what you say and want your way

2005-08-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh
Yo, yo (ooh yeah)

Let me explain this to you
See I'm not gonna let you run me
How we're gonna do it is...
I'm gonna run you

You, you've got a lot of nerve
I guess you haven't heard
I'm doin' fine out here on my own
You, you think that you can come
Around here for some fun
But boy you've got a lot to learn

Don't shake your head from side to side
Saying that you've changed enough
That you see the light
Cuz you just say what you say
And want your way
And it's that game that you play
It's a little late

As if i'm ever gonna take you back
As if it's ever gonna come to that
So see you 'round, wave goodbye
Be a bird pass me by
As if I'm gonna let you break my heart again
As if I'm gonna let your love back in my life
Not tonight, get a grip
Baby as if

You seem to think that I (I)
Ain't got no sense of pride (Pride)
Well boy you got a weird perception now (Yo)
Of what it is to love (Love)
And I am sure because (Because)
You got the look of desperation

Don't shake your head from left to right
Saying that you will when you won't ever see the light
And you just say what you say and want your way
And it's that game that you play
It's a little late

As if I'm ever gonna take you back
As if it's ever gonna come to that
So see you 'round, wave goodbye
Be a bird pass me by
As if I'm gonna let you break my heart again
As if I'm gonna let your love back in my life
Not tonight, catch my drift
Baby as if

You gotta go, you gotta go bye-bye
As if(Never gonna take you back, whoo!)

I, I got places to go (Go)
With people you don't know (You don't know 'em)
We're gonna dance all nice and slow

Don't shake your head from left to right
Saying that you've changed and now you're on my side
Cause you know you just want some lucky charm
And it's that game that you play
So I'm moving on

As if I'm ever gonna take you back
As if it's ever gonna come to that
So be a dear, disappear
Maybe I'm not being clear
As if I'm gonna let you break my heart again
As if I'm gonna let your love back in my life
Not tonight, get a grip

Baby as if
I'm ever gonna take you back
As if it's ever gonna come to that
So see you 'round, wave goodbye
Be a bird pass me by
As if I'm gonna let you break my heart again
As if I'm gonna let your love back in my life
Not tonight, get a grip
Baby as if
I'm gonna let you break my heart again
As if I'm gonna let you try and be my friend
It's the end, take the hint
Baby as if

; as if

; regrets .

2005-07-16T12:38:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BURFDAE UNCLE THONG `ND LING!. <3>

i feel like im not sure about anything anymore. i feel like what i thought isnt exactly whats happening. i wanna be who i am. but its always not possible when i think back of tha world im livin' in. i wanna be a happy girl but no matter how hard i try t smile il always feel a sudden emptiness in me.

----------------

we step into tha world as such innocent beings `nd slowly as tyme passes, we grow outta tha kiddy period in our lives.
we fight fer our rights as we step into our teenage years wher we think we re always right `nd blame everyone else fer our mistakes. tha stage of rebellion. wher we unknowingly hurt so many pple who care for us. our parents, who try so hard t protect us from what they fear we d experience. tha hurt `nd al. but tha words that come out from us perhaps at tha spur of tha moment causes 'em so many heartaches but they never give up on us.
then ther re our true friends. whom we more often than not always take for grant`d. they always point out t us our mistakes, but we just brush 'em aside `nd think they re not worthy o' our friendship. till tha tyme comes when our mistakes become our downfall `nd when we need friends. then ther they re agn `nd we realise they ve nvr left us. not at al. they were always ther, waitin' fer us t open tha door `nd invite 'em in.
then ther re tha falls in friendship, tha arguments in tha family, tha heartbreaks in relationships, failures in studies, deaths. you think its not fair that you re tha only one sufferin', no one else. then you start thinkin' everyone s much better off than you.
but its true al these hurt, wher you rlly mature. `nd experience how t handle tha failures in lyfe, know how t handle what lyfe has install`d for us, how t solve our own problems. you ll also realise that lyfe has no end. that it wnte stop just cause you want it t stop. that it wnte stop just cause you re happy at that moment. you realise that lyfe does not permit you t take your own tyme t grow up.
now, you have no choice but t follow tyme `nd force yourself t grow up, you gotta keep pace w hw fast life is pushin' you. no longer ll you wanna grow up faster like tha tymes in your childhood. you yearn fer tyme t go back now so you can savour your past, you can change some o' tha things you didn't want t happen, learn t appreciate tha things your didn't then, even make up fer al tha regrets you have bout tha past.
but thers nth you can do. you just have t move forward, step into tha wrkin' world soon, whr tha competition `nd stress you complain`d abt in sch is nth compar`d t what you face in tha wrkin' werld. when things go wrong, thers no one ther t guide you back, to help `nd give you aid in hw t make things right. you gotta face al o' 'em alone. your parents wnte be thr t listen t your complains on how your colleagues or bosses make things difficult fer you.
then you finally meet someone `nd settle down. w kids `nd al. now its tyme fer your kids t experience al o' what you ve been thru. you wanna help 'em, protect 'em. but in tha end you ll just have t let 'em go. cause its a cycle. you can only hope that they ll let you in t guide 'em along tha way so as t prevent 'em frm makin' tha same mistakes tha way you did.
but i guess we al learn through our mistakes `nd regrets we face in lyfe.

----------------------

i think `nd i realise that ife made so many mistakes in my lyfe. how often do i wish i were a lil' girl `nd wish i knew nth bout love. but ife fallen in `nd outta love. wher amos was in my lyfe i fail`d t appreciate his presence, takin' him for grant`d. `nd now i guess you cant do much when someone else takes you for grant`d as well. you try t perservere in fear that you may lose smth `nd have another regret but then agn you feel so lost `nd empty that you wanna let go. you re left confus`d. dnte know what t do. its whr you find your friends. true friends. dwi, guan, jos. you talk t 'em. `nd they al give diff advices. maybe talk t your parents. but they tell you t focus on your studies. ultimately is up t you. ife had regrets in lyfe in which i refuse t admit. but i have. durin' tha happy tymes ife had in lyfe, ife always told tha pple i was w how much i wish tyme wld stop. but it nvr does. w tha happy tymes, come tha sad tymes. wher i refuse t heed tha advices o' my parents. whr i talk back t 'em, hurt 'em. `nd tha feelin' they must have felt. true friends like dwi, thr were tymes ife totally cast`d him aside. but he was always ther. `nd that day when he call`d. it prolly was a relive on my side. i was happy `nd al. but deep down i was hurt. i din wanna tell him anythin but he forc`d 'em outta me. i wish i cld turn back tyme `nd treasure him. but is pass`d. `nd i cant look back anymore. i know now i got no tyme t look back. i can only look forward.

but now when i wanna look forward. im afraid o' bein' alone. he says he ll always be w me. but i wonder if he feels us driftin'. i took someone fer grant`d once. i regrett`d. so now i aint gonn' have it that way. il change my lyfe. im gonn' treasure everything. its true that you should live like you die.

`nd im gonn' be happy. il know whats right when im happy. `nd im happy when everyone else is happy as well. ife cri`d. but ife wip`d tha tears away. `nd im stronger now.

i just wanna be happy.

; broken .

2005-07-10T11:14:00.000-07:00

i dnte know whats makin' me hold myself back. im afraid. maybe. i was afraid id lose him. so i let him go. so much fer everythin' when he hung dwn on me just like that. so much fer al tha tears ife crid. guess it dnte matter anymore. so much fer al tha hurt `nd tha pain `nd tha shit of rltnships. things provd themselves wrong.

yu broke tha cold silence i had inside o' me when i trid t bury 'em away. yu let my tears flow freely `nd yu din care at al. yu left me al alone. `nd i got scarrd. yu made me open tha box i shard w him `nd made me miss him more. yu made me suddenly see tha difference between yu `nd him. yu made me wish i cld turn back tyme `nd go back t him. yu re heartless. yu emptid me. yu said yud stop `nd find me. but from tha tyme yu hung up. guess what? yu lied. yu movd away from me. yu chose t.

id rather be sad, `nd cry w yu. than be happy `nd be alone. but yu thought otherwise.
cante yu see me bein' strong? am i always that small gurl t yu?
guess by now yu still dnte know who i am.

yu say yure dyin.
but guess what?

im alrdy dead.

il let tha lyrics speak for us.

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet

Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet
Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

Only when I stop to think about you, I know
Only when you stop to think about me, do you know

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me

I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

i guess its cause love overrules hate.

; truth .

2005-07-09T22:39:00.000-07:00

we drive tnight

just yu `nd i

we talkin' bout our lives

like wefe known each other forever

tyme flies by

w tha sound o' yur voice

its close t paradise

w tha end surely near

if i cld only stop tha car

`nd hold on t yu

id turn back tyme

id never let go

as we round tha corner t yur house

yu turn t me `nd say

"id be goin' thru withdrawal o' yu fer this one night wefe spent"

`nd i wanna speak these words back

but i guess il just bite my tongue

whyie does tnight have t end

whyie dnte we hit restart `nd pause at our fav. parts

we ll skip tha goodbyes

`nd pretend tyme stopp`d then

if i had it my way

id turn tha car arnd

`nd run away

just yu `nd i

; crush`d .

2005-07-09T05:28:00.000-07:00

ytd we celebrat`d our 2nd mth tgt. i dnte know if it was a gd thing. al i know was while sittin' w him at tha esplanade roof top just talkin' out truths `nd al; it hurt. truth hurts ehs. i guess everyone wants t hear tha truth, but they re just afraid o' gettin' hurt. well, so als been said has been said.

i wonder, does he hurt when he thinks o' me `nd hw broken my heart is? cause i know i do, when i see him lookin' so helpless, confus`d `nd lost. what hurts me most is knowin' im tha one causin' him t feel al those. it was hard t bear. seein' him strugglin' t keep tha tears from droppin', seemingly chokin' on al tha pain that i just push`d onto him. hate t see him just breakin' down `nd crumblin' inside.

but i knew what i had t do. i had been thinkin' bout it fer tha longest possible tyme. each night before i fell asleep id be prayin' hard i cld just skip it `nd escape agn. i felt alone. even when i was w him. that night when i call`d o'er `nd he told me that i cldnt escape agn. i knew then what i had t do. dnte want t be selfish no more. gotta let him go. i know hed be happier wout me.

each tyme i lookd at his fallin' tears, hear his silent cry. i swear i wantd t hurt myself. i hurt him. tha person he lov`d so much hurtin' him. i was hurtin' deep down. but i cld only act happy `nd smile. like it was no big deal. as if everythin' wld go on as normal. i was tryin'. i was failin'. i had t look away. tha pain was killin' me, tearin' me apart. i had t wipe away tha tears, he cldnt see me cryin'.

but he did. as always. its hard t look at tha one yu love in tha eye `nd say yu ll be happier wout him. its hard t smile happily `nd show no emotions even when yu see tha one yu love cryin' so badly. im smile `nd forget tha pain. i try but it shows. we were lyin' t each other, kissin' w eyes open. i din mean t hurt him, i swear i never thought id walk away from him. i did.

t yu -- ife had a new two months w yu. we were doin' good in a bad way. im sorry we had t end us ytd. but i had t so i cld see a new future. i just cldnt see a future in that rltnship. we start`d out w selfishness on yur%2